Noet All

Why I've Been Caught & Who Thinks I Am Hot...

Hello everyone!

I have some news for all of you who have been reading about my prehensile perseverance of love, despite all the disastrous dates, the specious suitors and the desultory dopes upon whom I have pinned my hopes:

I've been caught!

I know I said, in my post from June 10, 2006, that I wasn't going to write about my real love life here. Well, I lied... I'm going to revise that statement to say that I'm not going to write public posts about problems I'm having in my love life. In my post called "Why I'm Not a Catch..." from May 07, 2006, I said, "getting caught isn't what I'm looking for." Well, I guess there's at least some truth to the theory that you sometimes find something faster when you stop looking for it.

I've just spent the last few weeks getting to know a guy I've started to call my "boyfriend" (that term is going to feel weird for a while.) As we were in the midst of enjoying each other's company, including more than a week camping alone, I thought about the phrase, "getting caught." In the context of romantic relationships, which also includes phrases like, "there are plenty of fish in the sea," and "(s)he's such a catch," the expression presumably refers to the capture of one person by another. This suggests a predatory relationship, whereby one person relies on skill, opportunity and chance to reel in the "catch," who is in turn presumed to be of great value and thereby worth the effort. While I do value him greatly and consider him a "catch," the fishing metaphor doesn't adequately describe the situation.

Finding myself in a relationship with Chris (the name he goes by other than boyfriend =-) has felt much more like getting caught in a summer drizzle...you know, the ones that start in the middle of a sultry sun-drenched day. One minute, the sky is clear. The next, a foreboding cumulonimbus has moved in, shrouding the glaring light. Looking up, it seems as though someone has dipped a paintbrush swollen with dark paint into the mix, as billows of grey and black swirl in the sky, that only moments before had appeared whitewashed by the sun. Then, as the raindrops begin to fall on the hot pavement, they turn to steam at your feet. While the sudden and ominous darkness can be disconcerting, the benefits of the phenomenon quickly flood your senses. The clouds provide the relief of shade, the surrounding mass of hot, stifling air has begun to rise and the Earth begins to cool. Simultaneously, bolts of lightning flicker in the distance, promising the excitement of electricity. Somehow, this more aptly describes the surprising and wondrous nature of falling for someone...at least better than fishing could hope to.

Like the sudden storm on a summer's day, I had little warning as to what was coming when I met Chris. Yes, I have been going on a series of first dates, hoping to end my romantic drought, but I had long since abandoned the practice of carrying an umbrella with me. Furthermore, while my initial conversations with a new guy can sometimes inspire hope, as did those with him, I have learned to cloak my expectations with skepticism. After all, promise is broken often, once two people move from the cyber-fantastic world of virtual infatuation, into the harsh reality of real-world chemistry. In this instance however, the dark clouds of my own doubt have evolved into productive agents of much needed change. No longer filled with trepidation, they saturate and soothe.

Well, that's all very lovely and poetic, but realistically, this relationship has just begun and has yet to face any real challenges. Undoubtedly we will face difficulties and disagreements going forward. Neither of us can predict at such an early stage whether or not things will continue to work out. That being said, falling in love with him has been, and continues to be, glorious fun. Both of us are in our late 30s and, as such, have had to learn how to move on from failed relationships in the past. Should we have to do the same again, if things don't work out, I'm sure we both will. Nonetheless, whether this relationship lasts for forty more days or forty years, this is turning out to be one of the best times of my life and I'm enjoying it...we both are.

In the meantime, Chris has thus far proven to be all that I had hoped to find, as described in my previous post. He is an unusually strong spirit who is nourished by my attentions and in turn feeds my soul with his, no matter what emotional or physical obstacles we have encountered. Just as I had hoped was possible, he seems to see me so clearly and compassionately that he believes me to be a beautiful, passionate, successful, intelligent, strong, confident, independent, articulate, creative, joyful, affectionate, and worthy woman, even though I have already revealed to him that I am also occasionally insecure, fraught with self-doubt, anxious, uncomfortable, ignorant, speechless, vulnerable, neglectful, withdrawn, unhappy and self-absorbed.

Like me, he seems to have been longing for someone with whom he can share his lot...someone with whom he can celebrate victories, weather loses and undertake challenges. On the other hand, he has yet to fault me for being a lot. He doesn't seem to mind that I think a lot, talk and write a lot, do a lot, know a lot and feel a lot; moreover, while we are kindred spirits in this way, he seems prepared to handle a lot. As I lavish my attentions on him, I know that he both appreciates and reciprocates. When I look at him, I know how lucky I am to be with him, and I know he feels the same way. Fortunately, for us both, another thing we each think when we look at each other is:

"Wow, you're hot."

Why I'm Not A Catch...

Some guy I've been spending time with recently asked me..."if you're such a great catch, then why are you depressed so much?" Good question. The simple answer is this: "I'm not actually depressed that often." While it's true that some might say that I have a melancholic temperament at times, I am also blessed with an optimistic nature and a tremendous capacity for appreciating the wonderful life I am fortunate enough to live each day.

There's a song on the Philip Glass album, Glassworks, called "Opening." It is a beautiful piece, riddled with minor notes, that always transports me to a place of reflection and melancholy. While it's not a place I tend to dwell, it is a place I love to visit; it's a place that houses all the loss and perceived injustices that have frayed my spirit along the way. Going there helps me to feel my life, to process it...sort of like rubbing my tongue against a spot on the inside of my cheek after I've accidentally bitten it. There is something very human about this impulse. Maybe it is the way we become inured to the pain in our lives...through repeated exposure. As you all know, I lost my dog recently. In the first several daze, I compulsively thought about the last moments of his life...moments that were spent in my arms. Perhaps I would have cried less had I filtered out that memory. But here's the thing...I am so profoundly grateful that I was strong enough to hold him in my arms for his last moments. I know there is no place that he could have died, in which he would have felt safer, more loved. At the same time, the image of his lifeless body lingers. Revisiting that memory helps me to process my grief. Is that depression? Perhaps. All I know is that I feel my life, my loves, my losses. That being said, you won't find someone more aware and appreciative of the magic in her life than I...and I have to admit, with all the loss and pain that I've endured, I am profoundly fortunate. There isn't a single human, past or present, famous or rich, with whom I would exchange lives.

I am the oldest of eight children. My parents divorced when I was young and there are two kids per marriage. My brother Morgan and I are from the first. My mother had two with her second husband; my father had two during his second, and one with his third and adopted his third wife's son from her first marriage. It's a complicated family dynamic and not all of us are as close as I'd like, but I am proud and feel privileged to be a part of such a marvelous clan. The relationship I have with Morgan is perhaps the most complicated. We grew up together and experienced many of the same difficulties. The closeness in our ages, as well as our competitive natures, has often precluded us from having the kind of compassion for each other that we easily give to our other siblings. Nonetheless, my relationship with him is one that has enriched my life as no other could. We may not always get along, but I adore, respect and love him. I know him to be one of the most intelligent, kind, generous and interesting humans on the planet. How lucky I feel to know him...even when he makes me crazy...or thinks I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm not a 'great catch.' Maybe getting caught isn't what I'm looking for...I know I have no desire to catch someone else. Which begs the question, "what do I want?"

I know that my life without a man has a lot of advantages. I own a beautiful home. I never have to worry about the extra hours I put into my career, my work. I don't have to worry about looking 'cute' on a Sunday morning when I'm sitting in my back yard reading the paper...which I don't have to share. I never have to wonder about how much the people in my life love me; they love me completely, no matter how many times I cry or laugh. They all think I'm beautiful, even though they've seen me at my worst.

So this guy, the one who questioned my 'catch-ability'...he said a few shitty things in the same conversation, and I haven't spoken to him since (which has been almost a week.) I'm sure he thinks I'm punishing him for being 'honest,' so I'll call him Honest Guy. Among other things, he said that he didn't think, "Wow, you're hot," every time he saw me, because I'm not his type...and that he sensed that I wanted him to feel that way. Is that what I really want? I guess that's cool...I've had that...and it was cool. What I really want is someone who is capable of loving me as much as I love myself. When I look in the mirror, I don't always take my breath away...sometimes I look like shit. But I always recognize the girl I love. To me, my features are beautiful, just as those of my sisters, mother, father and brothers are. They are magnificent in the same way a sunset is...the natural glory of what is. And then, sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, you're hot."

The truth is, Honest Guy isn't really my type either. I'm not sure why I was so attracted to him, but I was. He managed to capture my attention and that is hard to do...even harder to keep. His generous and open attentions to me during the time before we met in person opened a small window within me, from which my affection for him began to bloom. But the truth is, his honesty last week reminded me that my attention is all he was really after...and I'd rather not waste it on someone who isn't interested in winning my heart and mind. I'm not even sure he could if he wanted to...as I've said before, doing that requires an unusually strong spirit who is nourished by my attentions and in turn feeds my soul with his, no matter what emotional or physical obstacles we encounter. The only man worth opening my world to would have to see me so clearly and compassionately that he would continue to believe that I am a beautiful, passionate, successful, intelligent, strong, confident, independent, articulate, creative, joyful, affectionate, and worthy woman even once I have revealed to him that I am also occasionally insecure, fraught with self-doubt, anxious, uncomfortable, ignorant, speechless, vulnerable, neglectful, withdrawn, unhappy and self-absorbed. I am fully aware of the value of my attentions and don’t distribute them lightly. The full expression of my attention, energy and thoughts is a powerful force that is capable of profound magic that can transform and enrich the life of the man fortunate enough to engage me. I have seen its effects in the lives of my friends, family and loves. Because this magic is not something that I can release at will or without inspiration, I don't consider it to be completely of my own making and am thereby humbled by its power at times. It is a lovely energy that drives me and the people around me to be better people.

What do any of us, who already have all that we need, really want? I long for someone to share my lot. To cheer for my victories, to give me solace when I lose...to be on my side either way. It's funny, because Honest Guy is really into sports and he has this theory that you can't really be a fan if you've only been one when your team is winning. You can't really be a fan unless you've gone through a losing streak with them. I tend to agree. As I've said, I struggle with inner demons, with fears that my time on earth could be better spent, that I am somehow not good enough...or pretty enough. On the other hand, I am also blessed with a deep affection for myself. This ability to unconditionally love myself has made it easy for me, in the past, to project an outer confidence that precludes most people from seeing my weaknesses. I never used to let a guy see me lose a game. Not hiding my fears and struggles from Honest Guy is something I chose to do differently this time. How can we really know unconditional love, if those who love us don’t really know who we are...both light and dark? Don't we all look for someone we can trust to be the person with whom we can be our whole, magnificently flawed selves?

Well, all I can say is that human connection is a complex and delicate phenomenon. Letting my fear of rejection or emotional discomfort overshadow my willingness to fully investigate the potential connection between Honest Guy and me was something I refused to do. From the time we first met, I watched as his doubts began to drown out his ability to contribute to our connection. Nonetheless, I continued to see him, hoping we might get to know each other better, before we made any decisions that would preclude ever knowing if we were capable of finding the kind of joy together that we had hoped for in those first couple of weeks...mostly because my experience had been that he was a kind, intelligent and sensitive soul who had demonstrated the potential to appreciate and cherish me. But, at the end of the day, his doubts were stronger than his potential.

Admittedly, I am a lot. I think a lot, I talk and write a lot, I do a lot, I know a lot, I feel a lot; and while I was attracted to him because I believed we were kindred spirits in this way, the guy upon whom I lavish my attentions, must also be prepared to handle a lot...and know how lucky he is to do so. Honestly, isn't that the point? I don't care if someone looks at me and thinks, "Wow, you're hot." What I really want is to look at someone, knowing how lucky I am to be with them, and know they feel the same way.

In the meantime, it's a good thing I find myself so fucking entertaining. 

Photoshop & Love in the Modern Age.

Hi Everyone!

I'm back again to write about some of the annoying and ridiculous moments in my eDating life. Once again, I've changed my charming suitor's name. As usual, this post includes some things written by him, which I've quoted exactly. I will call him "ParanoidGuy."

So, this is a guy, with whom I was matched on eHarmony.com and, who initiated contact with me. We started by going through the normal canned communication stages there, which only happens about 5% of the time. I close or am closed, before we even start communicating, in most cases. The process takes too long and is too much work to bother with anyone whose pictures or profile identify them as incompatible in some way. I actually like the fact that this weeds out most prospects, as it generally makes the process more efficient. Anyway, that said, the exchange I'm about to recount managed to slip through the filter. As usual, I'll provide some information about him from his profile, about me from mine for context, in addition to the full exchange, peppered by my comments along the way.

His Profile:

Match Name:  ParanoidGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)
Location:  Southern California, United States
Occupation:  Advertising and Marketing
Height:  6' 2"
Age: 39
Ethnicity:  White, non-Hispanic
Match Created:  January 25, 2006
Last Communication:  February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:  

• Movies
• Friendship
• Politics

The one thing ParanoidGuy is most passionate about:  

• Movies, cooking, conversation, friends, love and romance

The three things which ParanoidGuy is most thankful for:  

• Living at the beach
• My friends
• My career 
  

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from ParanoidGuy's Personality Profile:  

• ParanoidGuy is generally very patient with people.
• ParanoidGuy is good at helping other people reach their goals.
• ParanoidGuy takes pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in ParanoidGuy's life has been:  

• My High School Drama Teacher - showed me I can be who and what I want.

ParanoidGuy's friends describe him as:  

• Hard Working
• Sweet
• Dependable
• Romantic

Three of ParanoidGuy's best life-skills are:  

• Creating romance in a relationship
• Being a good friend and companion
• Achieving personal goals

The most important thing ParanoidGuy is looking for in a person is:  

• Authenticity and Passion

The first thing you'll probably notice about ParanoidGuy when you meet him:  

• Authentic and real

The one thing ParanoidGuy wishes MORE people would notice about him is:  

• Passionate and Romantic

ParanoidGuy typically spends his leisure time:  

• Movies, exercise, reading, I love the paper and coffee in bed on a Sunday morning. Walking on the beach and enjoying my life.

The things ParanoidGuy can't live without are:  

• Communication
• Authenticity
• Passion/Touch
• Laughter
• Good Conversation

The last book ParanoidGuy read and enjoyed:  

• I am an avid reader so they are a few. I loved the Clinton book because it was a good look at history. I also read Conspiracy of Fools about Enron which was great. Presented a real picture and how absurd business can be.

One thing that only ParanoidGuy's best friends know is:  

• I like to have fun in my life. Not just work. I am loyal and believe in magic (between people).

---

Yeah baby! (with an Austin Powers accent.) He sounds great, doesn't he? In his pictures, he seemed pretty cute, although they were a bit too small to see in much detail. Just to be fair, I'm going to post my eHarmony profile as well. I'll also have to include the pictures I have up there; once again, they are a topic of the conversation.

My Profile:

Match Name:  Alita
Location:  Southern California, United States
Occupation:  Entertainment Content Production
Height:  5' 7"
Age: 39
Ethnicity:  White, non-Hispanic
Match Created:  January 25, 2006
Last Communication:  February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:  

• Movies
• Friendship
• Politics

The one thing I am most passionate about:  

• I believe in the beauty & complexity of the universe & cherish my time here. I make documentaries for a living & love it, as it feeds my somewhat voracious appetite for learning about everything from science to history to the arts. I've always felt fortunate & would rather laugh at life's absurdities than wallow in "what-if"s or "woe-is-me"s. I don't believe in the phrase "If you loved me, you would..." I prefer to live in a drama-free zone. I always tell my loved ones honestly what I think, but they never have to wonder whose side I'm on.

The three things which I am most thankful for:  

• A loving family and wonderful friends.
• People who get the joke even when I haven't said, "just kidding."
• My ability to find the humor in even the darkest moments and to enjoy the absurdities of everyday life.

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from my Personality Profile:  

• I am optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.
• I have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
• I take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in my life has been:  

• My future self:
  She has read many more books and has traveled to many more exotic places than I have. She has the kind of relationship with her husband that I can only aspire to. She never ends sentences with prepositions. ...oh yeah, and she HAS a husband =-)
  
  She is such an inspiration to me!

The four things my friends say about me are:   

• Creative
• Articulate
• Intelligent
• Perceptive

Three of my BEST life-skills are:

• Using humor to make friends laugh
• Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
• Understanding local, national, and world events

The most important thing I'm looking for in a person is:  

• He'll be curious & intelligent; want to share my life's passions & will share his with me. When something excites me, I'll think, "I can't wait to share this with him." He'll know how to make me laugh...I'll love that about him. He'll know why that film or book made me search the Net for anything related to the topic...He'll love that about me. We won't keep our opinions to ourselves, but even our disagreements will make our connection stronger. When we look at each other, we won't believe our luck at having found each other...making it hard to keep our hands off each other...and mostly, we won't ;-)

Other than my appearance, the first thing that people notice about me is:   

• My mind and its perpetual motion, or my "inner geek"...While I look like a girl and was an English major, I can talk tech with the best of them...and politics...and literature...and history...and music... =-) That surprises some people at first.

The ONE thing that people DON'T notice about me right away that I WISH they WOULD is:   

• That I was a tuatara in a previous life...if they did, perhaps they wouldn't make the hurtful and intolerable speciesist jokes that people sometimes thoughtlessly make about reptiles when we first meet.

I typically spend my leisure time:  

• WHAT I LOVE: Listening to music that makes my body move and/or my mood elevate; all-out, heart-pounding, lung-burning workouts that flood me with endorphins; reading books that make me forget where I am; watching movies that make me cry, laugh and/or think; spending time with people who make the world a better place; laughing out loud; talking to bright people; learning something new; finding money in an old pair of jeans; being madly in love with someone whose very essence is as intrinsically magnificent to me as mine is to him; savoring a root-beer float once every six & a half years (keeps 'em fresh!)

The things I can't live without are:  

• Family & friends.
• Time and the energy to spend it well.
• Meaning and the search for it.
• Laughing.
• Perception, thought and expression.

The last book I read and enjoyed was:  

• I just finished reading "the Great INFLUENZA" by John M. Barry...it mixes history with science and sociology. It is an informative and fascinating exploration of how the nature of mankind interacts with the forces of nature. I love learning about history, especially when it gives insight into the way we as a species think and behave...and how that better understanding resonates and helps us to know ourselves better today. This book meets that standard. I also loved Jitterbug Perfume and DaVinci Code (a book that apparently everyone on eHarmony has read.) I also read the New York Times every morning.

One thing that only my best friends know is:  

• How important they are to me...and that my middle name is Renée after René Descartes. When I was born, my father was getting his Ph.D. in philosophy, so my brother and I each got middle names from famous philosophers. I lucked out though...my brother's middle name is Erasmus. Lots of people know my first name, but you'll have to wait to find that out until "Open Communication."

Additional information I would like my matches to know about me is:

• Genealogy is my only "hobby," which is fun because it's a way for me to study history with my own personal narrative. I got hooked when I discovered Jane Austen is my 13th cousin 6 times removed (whatever that means;-) & Princes William & Henry are my 8th cousins (sadly, I never get invited over =-) President Bush happens to be my tenth cousin once removed, but if you voted for him, we probably wouldn't make a good match...but I wish you luck in your search! =-) BTW, all of the pictures I've posted here of me were taken recently (June-Sept. 2005,) so they're current.
  Oh and...tuataras taste just like chicken.

---

I know: I'm garrulous and a bit odd...but it's part of my charm =-) The tuatara thing is one of those filters I was talking about before...it's quite effective at weeding out guys who would require me to say "I'm kidding!" WAY too often.

My Pictures:

(All were taken in the summer and fall of 2005.)

So, there you have it: our profiles and my pictures. (I'd post his pictures too if I weren't protecting his identity.) Awww...if you could see him, you'd know that we make such a cute couple. And he's a liberal too!

Before moving on to our communication, let me explain the way it works on eHarmony. Once eHarmony "matches" you with someone, you are each given the profile of the other to review. If either finds the other less than desirable in any way, he or she may "close" the match, thus ending the ability of either to ever contact one another again. That means once someone "closes" you, there is no option to send a nasty note in response to the rejection. If neither person immediately closes the other, one person will initiate contact with some multiple-choice questions for their match to answer. ParanoidGuy did just this, shortly after reviewing my profile for the first time. After reviewing his profile, I was happy to respond and, optimistic that we might be an excellent match.

ParanoidGuy sent me these questions on January 25 2006, 09:09AM PT.
I answered these questions on January 28 2006, 06:57PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. How important is chemistry to you?

• I need to feel that instant "click"
• within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry
• I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like
• I don't believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship
• I believe chemistry is essential for any relationship to succeed.

2. Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?

• cooking
• shopping
• bowling
• watching a video

3. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

• a quiet candle-lit restaurant
• rollerblading on the beach
• cooking dinner together at home
• getting dressed up and going to a dance club together
• Conjuring truly romantic moments is possible anywhere, with the right person.

4. How trusting are you?

• sometimes I'm too naïve
• I trust people and am able to forgive them when wronged
• I trust people until they prove me wrong, then it is hard to trust again
• people are dishonest by nature, you need to be careful
• I trust people until they prove me wrong; then they must earn my trust if they wish to regain it.

5. What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?

• I like traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them.
• I would accept traditional gender roles if my partner were really interested in them.
• I'm not at all interested in traditional gender roles and want my mate and me to define our roles on our own.

---

I sent ParanoidGuy questions on January 28 2006, 07:11PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on January 29 2006, 10:01AM PT.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS: 

1. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

• I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.
• I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.
• As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.
• When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

2. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

• a quiet candle-lit restaurant
• rollerblading on the beach
• cooking dinner together at home
• getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

3. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

• I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
• With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
• I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
• It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

4. Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

• Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.
• I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.
• I do like a small amount of physical affection.
• I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

5. Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?

• I hate to debate about anything.
• Occasionally I don't mind a friendly debate, but I don't really enjoy it.
• As long as we don't get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues.
• I find it stimulating to debate various "issues of the day" with my partner and love it.

---

He was getting better by the minute. I liked all of his answers. Even better, he hadn't disliked mine enough to close me! At this point, it was time to exchange "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands." As I've explained before, eHarmony has everyone pick ten "Must Haves" and ten "Can't Stands" to share with their matches. Here are the ones ParanoidGuy and I shared with each other:

I sent my Must Haves and Can't Stands to ParanoidGuy on January 29 2006, 10:23AM PT

MY MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
      I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
      I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
      I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator...
      I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity...
      I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
      I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Conflict Resolver...
      I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
Chemistry...
      I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

MY CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
      I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
      I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
      I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty...
      I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental...
      I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist...
      I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity...
      I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism...
      I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited...
      I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...
      While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

---

All of the choices are pretty basic. His didn't vary from mine that much. Here are the ones he chose:

ParanoidGuy sent his Must Haves and Can't Stands on January 29 2006, 01:38PM PT.

HIS MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
      I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Emotionally Healthy...
      I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Personal Habits...
      I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
Passionate...
      I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Self-Confident...
      I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Communicator...
      I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Unassuming...
      I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
Affectionate...
      I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

HIS CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
      I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
      I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
      I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Punctuality...
      I can't stand someone who is always late.
Poor Hygiene...
      I can't stand someone who is not clean.
Racist...
    I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating...
      I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Depressed...
      I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity...
      I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Denial...
      I can't stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

---

Okay, so he has some issues about personal hygiene. Maybe he had a stinky girlfriend once. That's okay...I smell pretty good (or so I've been told.) So, moving on, we had one more stage to pass through: the Essay Questions.

ParanoidGuy sent me questions on January 29 2006, 01:39PM PT.
I sent my answers on January 29 2006, 04:25PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
In my 20s I had a long list of things I thought were important. That list has become quite short...not because I am willing to "settle," but because I've come to know that very few things are really deal breakers...but the ones that are...well, they break the deal every time. The list is this: he must be curious and intelligent; willing and able to strive for an intimate partnership with me (emotionally, intellectually, physically, practically); have a "good heart;" and value the person I am and am becoming...as I will value him. Beyond that, he must be someone with whom I feel safe to be my whole, magnificently flawed self. He needn't be without flaws, fears, doubts or weakness himself, but he must be willing to risk the discomfort of that journey...wherever it may lead. That and we should be hot for each other =-)

2. What are your political beliefs?
I suppose the best label for my beliefs would be "progressive democrat." Most of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I disagree with pretty much all the policies of the current administration. I also think the religious right has designs on my government, and I believe church and state should remain separate. In seventh grade, I got transferred out of my science class because I questioned my teacher when he prefaced his lesson about evolution by saying he had to teach this even though "we all know that God created all." If you want to know more, follow this link to something I wrote called, "Why I Don't Date Republicans."

3. Do you have any pets? Which types of animals do you love to be around?
I live with my dog, Darcy, named after Fitzwilliam Darcy, the hero in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I know, I'm a geek =-). He's a 16-year-old Shih Tzu and although he's a little dog, he's not at all yappy. He is, however, quite old now, and probably won't be with me for much longer. Happily, he still enjoys his time with me and loves to eat. Until that changes, I cherish the time I still have with him.

---

I sent my questions on January 29 2006, 04:32PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on 30 January 2006 09:00 AM Pacific Time.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house? Describe the perfect partner for you.:
I am looking for a partner in all areas. Some one to cook with, play with, talk with, rolling around in bed with. I am happy to be a valuable partner in all areas, but do not want to be a caretaker.

2. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.:
There are a few, movies, TIVO, reading, conversation.

3. What are your political beliefs?:
Lean liberal

---

Okay, so he's not a chatterbox. That's okay. At least he's liberal. Now it was time to write the first open communication. I'm never sure what to say the first time we can say anything we want, so I sent him something simple.

From:  Alita
To:  ParanoidGuy
Subject:  Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date:  January 31, 2006 08:13PM Pacific

Welcome to Open Communications.

It's nice to virtually meet you. So have you been on eHarmony long? Is there anything you still want to know about me, or have I answered all your questions? =-)

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, alita.

---

This was his response:

From:  ParanoidGuy
To:  Alita
Subject:  Re: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date:  February 1, 2006 09:32AM Pacific

Yes, we have graduated. Nice to virtually as well.

I do have one question for you, and forgive me for being blunt, but your pics look a little like they were photoshopped. I have met a few people who do not look like their pictures.

ParanoidGuy

---

Not sure what to do with that, but okay...I've met some guys who didn't look like their photos either, but that's because the pictures turned out to be old and; they were taken at a time when the guy had more hair and less fat...so at least I can relate to the notion that people aren't always the same in person as they have portrayed themselves to be online. The problem is, with few exceptions, the only way to know, is to actually meet someone in person. In the instances where someone's photo is obviously outdated (like they're sporting some outfit inspired by Miami Vice, or are posing in front of the Twin Towers,) I generally just move on and don't bother to interact in the first place...but without compelling evidence of fraud, I assume there is none.

Now here's the kicker. He sent that message to me on February 1st. I didn't manage to read it until the next day, by which time he had CLOSED me. What the fuck?! Okay, you contacted me and dragged me through all that eHarmony shit...just so you could tell me you think I touched up my photos?! (Which by the way look the same now as they did when you first contacted me.) And basically, you're going to call me a LIAR...and then close me so I can't even respond? What a DICK!

Here's the thing, when someone disagrees with me about politics, that's one thing. I have my own point of view and can argue my case well. I enjoy debating issues and; I invariably learn something new when I do. But this guy...this stranger...is actually attacking ME. He's not disagreeing with what I think; he's questioning who I claim to be. I have to admit, that cuts much closer to the quick. To be honest, the thing that bothered me the most about the whole thing was the unfairness of it all. There is something profoundly unsettling about being denied the opportunity to face your accuser. But what would I have said really? It was such a weird charge, after all. "So you think I might not look like my pictures in person. And you contacted me in the first place to tell me that you're not going to meet me...in case I'm not the me I claim to be? Umm... "

Really, after that, I had no desire to meet him either...so what else can one say at that point? Perhaps something like, "Let's meet in person so that you can see that I look like my pictures. ...Oh, and uh...besides, I really want to call you an asshole to your face" No. Nonetheless, I was annoyed that he had denied me the option of saying anything in my own defense...even though I may very well have decided that "defending" myself was pointless and unnecessary. Not having the choice pissed me off!

Fast forward several daze. I was looking through my match.com profile. Guess who had recently viewed me there? Yes, Mr. ParanoidGuy! I couldn't help myself, I wrote him the following note:

From:  [email protected]
To:  [email protected]
Subject:  Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date:  February 19, 2006 11:49 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

I'm so glad you wandered by my profile here, providing me with the opportunity to respond to your accusation on eHarmony that I "Photoshopped" my pictures. I must say that it was rather ungentlemanly of you to brusquely close me after making such a charge, thus denying me the opportunity to explain myself (especially after we had gone to the trouble of going through all those stupid eHarmony communication stages.) Now that I have you here, I will do just that.

Firstly, I want to say that I consider my excellent Photoshop skills to be an important accomplishment, of which I am quite proud. I, perhaps mistakenly, thought that men admire creativity and talent in a woman. Secondly, I challenge your conclusion that, since I altered my own pictures, I would naturally be unattractive in person. I made exactly two changes in my appearance, which are really of no consequence. I removed a large hairy mole (which I regularly pluck, of course) from the tip of my nose and; I painstakingly camouflaged my receding hairline. Admittedly, these two physical flaws may incline men to avoid me when they see me in un-doctored snapshots on eDating sites. Nonetheless, I assure you that in person I am quite attractive, despite these minor imperfections. Besides, in the words of Havelock Ellis,  “The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”

If we *had* met in person, and you had *really* disliked my appearance; I assure you, there would have been an easy fix; makeup does wonders. As for my thinning hair, I have a nice hairpiece that is barely noticeable. All I can say is that it is your loss.

While I agree that finding one's partner attractive is not negotiable, the reality is that attractiveness is a subjective and complicated phenomenon. I certainly hope you don't rely entirely on photos to surmise such a thing. Whether or not Photoshop is involved, chemistry is something that can hardly be judged by a two-dimensional image. Even then, finding true love requires more than pleasing the eyes, as all beauty fades.

With that, I leave you with some wisdom in the form of poetry. Two of my favorite sonnets by Shakespeare address both the complexity of attraction and the need for more in love. I hope they provide you with some perspective and; I wish you luck in your search!

Best, alita

CXXX.
MY mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
    And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
    As any she belied with false compare.

--William Shakespeare

CXVI.
LET me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
    If this be error and upon me proved,
    I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

--William Shakespeare

---

I was surprised when he actually responded. This is what he said:

From: [email protected]
To:  [email protected]
Subject:  Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date:  February 19, 2006 1:46 PM Pacific

Appreciate the note and thought it took. But the bottom line truth is, a lie is a lie. Lack of integrity is any way is not actable to me. I do not judge people by their looks, but by their integrity.

Hope you find what you seek.

---

Okay, where to start? First of all...OH MY GOD! Why am I letting this guy piss me off so much? And way to miss the joke. ...what an idiotic way to respond to my confession that I am actually BALDING and have a hairy mole on the tip of my nose. And what, his response is to suggest that he doesn't mind the fact that I'm losing my hair? ...no, he's just turned off by the fact that I LIED about it...which clearly demonstrates my lack of integrity. LOL.

At this point, I clearly needed to recognize that this was a pointless confrontation. The only sane thing to do would be to move on and forget about it. That is exactly what I intend to do now...but before I could do that, I had to send him one final note. Here it is:

From:  [email protected]
To:  [email protected]
Subject:  Re: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date:  February 19, 2006 2:21 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

Thanks for writing back...I must admit I didn’t think you would. By the way, I think you missed the point of my email. The only ways in which I “Photoshopped” my pictures, (with the exception of the shot of me on match.com labeled “sepia me,” which is quite obviously altered for creative effect, and not one of the pix up at eHarmony) was to scale them down, so they would properly upload to the site. I’m not sure what you think I did to them, but I assure you, they are quite representative, as well as recent. There would be no point in wasting my time, or that of my suitors, by posting anything that weren’t. Contrary to my ironic response to your paranoid accusation, I don’t have any moles (hairy or otherwise) on my nose, and my hair is as thick as that of a Breck Girl. Lying is not my style; I find it repugnant and unacceptable, just as you do. Lacking integrity has never been something of which I’ve been accused, nor has it been something I accept in others. On that count we are in accordance. I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke, but perhaps you would have better luck with a woman lacking humor. I generally try to be more gracious when responding to insults, but my humor has been worn thin by this exchange. On the bright side, we can be confident that no matter what either of us looks like in person, and no matter how closely we resemble our pictures, we are certainly NOT a match!

I hope you find what you seek as well.

Best, alita.

---

Well, in re-reading this before posting it, I realize that it sounds much more angry and hurt than I actually am. While some parts of this exchange *did* actually hurt my feelings a bit, I found writing about it to be somewhat amusing. I'm not really sure why some people decide it is acceptable to make others feel like shit, but that's the risk I take when I expose myself to the scrutiny of strangers.

Even with exchanges like this, I hold out the hope that there is something to the theory that there is a soulmate for everyone. I just have to say though, if there is, mine's LATE! ...or am I? Shit, who has the schedule?!

 

The New Year

So, it's a new year.

Last year turned out to be a pretty good one, although I have even higher hopes for this one. I have to admit, 2005 didn't start out very well. I was in a job that had turned sour, and I had along with it. The large media corporation at which I was working had just put the company I worked at under the power of new management. Because my brother was in a position of power at the same company, these corporate weasels wisely determined that I would be target number one in their efforts to take full control. Alienating him from his allies, starting with me, was something they had already undertaken by the end of 2004 and by January of 2005, our relationship was worse for the wear. My brother and I have always been very close. We have always loved each other, but treating each other with the respect and love that we feel has always been a challenge for us in close quarters. We have been competitive, argumentative and, at times, brilliantly collaborative. (For a more complex, if cryptic take on our relationship, check out the poem I wrote about our relationship.) When the corporate weenies pitted us against each other, it caused both of us pain and grief that was almost too much to bear. Relief only came at the end of April when they let me go, at which point I was able to embark on a much needed sabbatical of sorts. I ended up spending most of the rest of 2005 getting my spirit, my body and my mind back into shape. I took the time to make new friends, to try dating and to think about what the best next step would be in my career.

As you already know, my attempts at dating have yet to result in a lasting relationship with the man of my dreams...although I am quite pleased that I have long passed the time in my life when I was willing to be with the man of my nightmares rather than to be alone. Today, my spirit is much lighter and; my body and mind are both profoundly more vigorous, thanks to my time off. As for my career, I have just started a new job that I love. I have a boss that values, trusts and respects me. I work with a team of talented professionals, with whom I intend to do great things. And finally, I am being paid a wage that allows me to pay all of my bills, including the mortgage on the house I bought at the end of 2004, which I love. In addition, I did manage to forge a few new friendships this year, which makes my life a better place. Happily, my brother and I have come a long way towards mending our relationship. If all that weren't enough, my brother and his wife brought a new little girl into the world this summer, and she is the love of all of our lives. Finally, I am happy to report that my beloved dog, who is quite old, is still healthy enough to enjoy his food and my company.

Once again, I must marvel at my good fortune. It is sometimes difficult to remember that good times have always followed bad in my life. While it seems I'm on a good path at the moment, I hope to keep this in mind as difficult moments disrupt my life. But whatever happens in the future, I'm pleased to report that right now I am happy and loving life. I want to say that I hope the same is true for everyone else, but this sounds annoyingly optimistic, especially when some people have troubles I've never had the misfortune to endure. Instead, I will just be grateful for my own life and try each day to do what I can to make my life and the lives of the people I know just a little better and a little easier. Now that's a New Year's resolution I believe I can keep!

Happy New Year!

Love, alita.

Maybe We CAN Just Get Along...But We Still Can't Date.

Hello everyone!

Welcome again to the annals of my adventures in the world of eDating. Before I begin, I would like to say that those of you who read these entries should feel free to enjoy my amusing anecdotes without feeling sorry for me in the least. Not all of my experiences have been bad...the bad ones are just funnier to write about. Besides, as I've mentioned before, I don't consider the good guys fair game. Speaking of which, while this guy is not someone I would date, as it turns out, he's not such a bad guy. For that reason, I actually asked his blessing to post this exchange with the caveat that I would remove any personal information that might identify him in any way. I really wanted to post this correspondence because it evolved in a way that I found interesting. In order to provide you with some background, I will begin with my online profile for Yahoo Personals, where he approached me. (Note: most of the initial details, like "Sense of Humor" and "Social Setting" are canned responses from which I chose as many as applied.)

About Me:
Gender: Woman seeking a Man
Age: 39
Marital Status: Single - never married
Body Type: Fit
Height: 5' 7"
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Auburn
Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)
Sense of Humor: Friendly, Clever / Quick Witted, Dry / Sarcastic, Obscure
Social Setting: Shy at first, but warm up quickly, Home Body, Better in small groups, Comic Relief
TV Watching: News Junkie, Movies, Documentaries, Channel Hopper, TiVo is my best friend
Living Situation: Alone, With pets, Family and friends visit often
Have Kids: No
Want (more) kids: Yes
Education: College Grad
Employment Status: Full-time
Occupation: Entertainment / Media
Income: No Answer
Religion: Not Religious
Attend Services: Never
Political Views: Very liberal
Astrology: Libra
Languages: English
Interests: Arts, Dancing, Family, Movies, Listening to Music, Outdoor Activities, Reading, Travel, Cooking, Computers / Internet, Television, Gardening, Crafts, Health/Fitness

My Headline:
I don't care what car U drive...

In My Own Words:
...but, I *do* care if you're cute, smart, funny, treat me with respect & get my jokes (CLUE: if you're thinking right now "tell me one," you most likely won't get them =-)

WHAT I LOVE: Music that makes my body move; all-out, heart-pounding, lung-burning workouts that flood me with endorphins; books that make me forget where I am; movies that make me cry, laugh and/or think; people who make the world a better place; my mind & its perpetual motion; meaning & the search for it; laughing out loud; talking to bright people; learning something new; finding money in an old pair of jeans; being madly in love with someone whose very essence is intrinsically magnificent to me, just as mine is to him; savoring a root-beer float once every six & a half years (keeps 'em fresh!)

ABOUT ME: I believe in the beauty & complexity of the universe & cherish my time here, but if you consider creationism or "intelligent design" a science, I'm sorry but we are not a match. I am a drama-free (though not passion-free) zone, as I've always felt fortunate and prefer to laugh at life's absurdities than cry of misfortune and play the victim. The full expression of my attention, energy & thoughts is a lovely force that can transform & enrich the lives of those around me. However, since I find myself & the world highly entertaining, getting my attention can be difficult...keeping it can be even harder...that is, unless you possess wit, are curious, intelligent and have a "good heart." Beyond that, I'm looking for someone with whom I feel safe to be my whole, magnificently flawed self. He needn't be without flaws, fears, doubts or weakness himself, but he must be willing to risk the discomfort of that journey...wherever it may lead. Come on...it'll be fun! =-)

ABOUT YOU WITH ME: We'll make each other laugh...even in difficult moments. We won't keep our opinions to ourselves, but we'll *never* have to wonder whose side the other is on. We'll be comfortable letting each other "do our own thing"...even when we're occupying the same space. We'll have each other's backs, even when we're facing each other. We'll inspire each other to be better people. When we look at each other, we'll know how lucky we are to be together, making it difficult to keep our hands off each other...and mostly we won't ;-)

PLACES I'VE BEEN: Italy—Venice, Rome, Milan, Florence, Pompeii, Naples; Belgium—Brussels, Bruges; England—London, Bath, Bristol; France—Cannes, Nice, Paris; Germany—Munich, Hamburg, Berlin, Frankfurt; Austria—Vienna, Salzburg; Canada—Toronto, Winnipeg, Montreal; Switzerland—Zürich, Genèva; various cities—Bangkok, Sydney, Warsaw, Dublin, Hong Kong, Singapore, Taipei, Budapest, Amsterdam, Tijuana ...& all over the US.

FINAL FACTOIDS ABOUT ME: Jane Austen is my 13th cousin, 6 times removed (whatever that means;-); Princes William & Henry are my 8th cousins (sadly, I never get invited over =-); Pres. Bush is my 10th cousin, once removed (NOTE: sorry, but if you like or voted for him or his father, we're NOT a match); I get most of my news from the NY Times & "the Daily Show;" I put myself through Columbia University in NYC; my middle name is Renée, after René Descartes. (My dad's a philosophy professor, so my brother & I were named after famous philosophers. I lucked out though...my brother's middle name is Erasmus.)

And here is our exchange. As usual, I've quoted exactly, including all spelling errors and typos. To be fair, I should mention that the only reason my responses aren't riddled with similar errors is that I'm a bit of an anal control freak when it comes to writing. I obsessively check anything I send out to ensure that as many errors as possible are removed before I hit "send."

On 11/18/2005 06:14 pm PST, "AnotherConservativeGuy" wrote:
Bummer! I thought WHAT A HOT BABE but then I read your profile.... I am not the true love you seak but you do seem like a nice woman and you are pretty. Just wanted you to know...
—AnotherConservativeGuy

At this point, I had no way of knowing that he was another conservative guy rejecting me for my politics, but I thought it was worth finding out why someone who found me attractive would be put off by my profile. So, I responded with this:

On 11/19/2005 10:03 am PST, I wrote:
Dear: "AnotherConservativeGuy":

Thank you for the compliment; I'm sorry we're not a match. Out of curiosity, what specifically in my profile "bummed you out?" I'm always interested in how others perceive my profile. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to know. Thanks!

Best, alita.

On 11/19/2005 05:07 pm PST, "AnotherConservativeGuy" wrote:
Ok so your photos are good except for the 1/2 naked one. Get rid of it. It seems a little desperate and sleezy. Your face is really nice and your profile is great. I am conservative and I know most liberals are angry and super opinoinated. I wouldn't fit. My last girl friend was super liberal but it was well thought out and we got along great. You are not open to other ideas so i am sure you will find some flamming liberal who dosn't belive in god. Its just not me. Every thing else seems good.. I realllllly like your eyes...... I could look into them all night ...... Your ideas make me want to puke,....
—AnotherConservativeGuy

Well, as you might imagine, upon receiving this response, I was simply giddy with anticipation, as I contemplated how savagely I was going to expose his idiocy here when I got this reply from him. This exchange was turning out to be even better than the first ConservativeGuy! Not only was he being intolerant and judgmental but, in addition, this one was being overtly rude. At this point, I should also show you the pictures to which he refers, so that you can see what he's talking about.

My main picture is here on the left: 

And the one here to the right of the other is the "1/2 naked one":

Admittedly, the picture of me on the right is a bit silly and cheesy. I like to think of it as my "Varga Girl" shot. I haven't taken his advice and deleted it from my profile. To be honest, I don't know if my unwillingness to do so is because I disagree with his characterization of the picture, or because I was born the kind of stubborn person who is inspired to contrary action when someone tells me what to do. Either way, it's up to stay for the time being.

Anyway, before I could post the exchange here, I had to respond to him in my most measured and reasonable tone...which is my way of being a condescending bitch while feigning civility. I did try to vary it a bit from what I said to the other ConservativeGuy, but there were some pretty good lines from that. Please excuse any repetition...I mean, why re-invent the wheel? So here is what I sent him:

On 11/21/2005 01:08 pm PST, I wrote:
Dear: "AnotherConservativeGuy",

Thank you so much for writing me back, as I found your reasons for thinking we wouldn't be a good match to be quite interesting...although, I have to say that your statement that my ideas make you "want to puke," seems quite angry and judgmental.

In reviewing my profile, the only two statements I could find that might be considered biased were, "if you consider creationism or "intelligent design" a science, I'm sorry but we are not a match"; and "Pres. Bush is my 10th cousin, once removed (NOTE: sorry, but if you like or voted for him or his father, we're NOT a match.)" Admittedly, the Bush quote quite clearly indicates that the man I seek is not a Republican, but it was meant to be funny rather than hostile in the context of admitting my distant and obscure relationship with the Bush family. As for the first statement about science, I assure you that many people who believe in God also believe in evolution; even more agree that the Earth was created in more than six days and that dinosaurs became extinct long before humans began roaming the planet.

Since these two statements and my self-identification as being "very liberal" are the only indications in my profile of my political ideas, I find it curious that you find all of my ideas so repulsive. Nonetheless, I thank you for your astute feedback. Without it, I never would have guessed that in my profile, I come off as a desperate, sleazy, angry, super-opinionated and closed-minded woman with a really nice face and attractive eyes, in search of a flaming liberal who doesn't believe in God.

I realize you responded to my question out of courtesy, and it is not my intention to pick a fight with you, however, since you have attacked my ideas based on presumptions about what "liberal" means to you, I want to leave you with a couple of specifics for the record. In general, I consider myself a "liberal," but my politics are not "liberal" down the line, as I take each issue as its own question, which you probably do as well. I find labels to be ambiguous at best and misleading at worst, especially considering the ways in which the meaning of these words continually evolves. I'm "conservative" when it comes to many economic issues, "liberal" on many social issues and "centrist" on various other issues. For instance, I strongly believe in a person's right to believe that the first woman was made from a man's rib, but I don't want my tax dollars to be spent on teaching that to children in our public science classrooms. I think it is more appropriate to teach the Bible in church sermons, Sunday school classes and in the home...which by the way are the places I learned about God growing up.

As for Republicans being "conservative," I'm not sure what that means anymore because the current administration and predominantly Republican congress doesn't seem fiscally conservative or responsible to me at all. In fact, one might say that they spend money like drunken sailors.

Well, if you've read this far, thank you for taking the time to read my response, and I hope you haven't puked =-) While I may be deluding myself, I hope that you are wrong that I am not open to ideas that are different from mine. Whenever I engage in public discourse, whether it's in someone's living room or here on this little slice of cyberspace, I think of myself as being a part of this giant forge in which we all heat, hammer and shape our thoughts. I believe in this process, even though most of the dents we each make in the communal metal are imperceptible.

I actively consume a variety of opinions each day from talk radio, friends & family, various blogs, newspapers, magazines and cable news shows. We live in an age where there are so many voices contributing to the public dialogue that it can sometimes seem like a meaningless cacophony, but, I consider this superfluity of opinion to be a quality problem that I'm happy to have. Furthermore, I am proud to live in a society that encourages such discourse. I don't agree with every opinion I read or hear, but each helps me to see an issue from a new perspective and helps me to test or temper my own.

Good luck in your search for a "match"!

Best, alita.

Now all I had to do is sit back and wait for the reactionary response that I was sure he'd send. But, much to my surprise, he sent me this in reply instead:

On 11/21/2005 05:05 pm PST, "AnotherConservativeGuy" wrote:
<>That is the problem with e-mail sometimes what I meant isn't how it is taken. I assure you I am not in the least angry. I just was giving you a little ribbing. Your profile comments may come across as angry to others  also, I assume you just don't want to have a relationship with some one who has a different world view. I can understand that. Except, I guess in reality I would say it isn't important what one believes just that they have thought it out and understand why they believe it.

<>I didn't say you came off as sleazy. It is that damn photo. It gives the wrong message. If I thought you were a sleaze I wouldn't have paused to write. Actually I find the other photos of you very attractive. You have deep eyes and what you wrote is very good.

<> I don't know you. I feel some honesty, (my opinion), should be taken as advice from someone who doesn't know ANYTHING about you and shouldn't be a reflection on your self image. You asked my perception was, not what the truth was.

<> It was a perception based on a very limited view. To be honest, now that I have been so rude and blunt, you have come back with a clarifying response that shows you are a well thought out woman with great depth of character. I feel terrible for being so rude. I just went back and read my e-mail.....Ouch that is an asshole e mail. Not the way I meant it.

<> You must understand cyber dating sites are not a good place to meet someone. One becomes grouped in with the rest of the people. I like to think this isn't true, but it has not been my experience. I think a better place to find companionship is doing what one loves to do. I personally have been trying to cancel my account but It seems difficult to do.

<> You know what, I just need to apologize. I jumped to several assumptions based on wrong perceptions. Thanks for writing me back.

<>—AnotherConservativeGuy

Wow...maybe my expectations are low, but I was impressed that he acknowledged fault and apologized. Maybe we can just get along. Well, the apology was nice, but at this point, I faced a dilemma. I really wanted to write about this exchange, but ethically I was conflicted about exposing him to ridicule after he turned out to be a stand up guy. After spending some time over the Thanksgiving holiday thinking about it, I decided to just let him know I was going to write about it and give him the chance to ask me not to. Following is the note I sent to him:

On 12/03/2005 05:46 pm PST, I wrote:
Dear: "AnotherConservativeGuy":

Sorry it took me so long to write you back, but I got tied up with family responsibilities over the holiday week. I just wanted to say thank you for your last note to me. Most men wouldn't have taken the time to admit they had been less than chivalrous, as you have. I recently posted on my blog (noetical.blogs.com/noet_all/2005/09/why_i_dont_date.html) a similar exchange with another Republican I met online. I was less than charitable to him in my commentary regarding the exchange, as he lacked the manners that you clearly have shown in your most recent response. While it would have been highly entertaining to make fun of you on my blog, I'm happy to know that liberals and conservatives can be civil to each other. With your blessing, I would like to post this exchange from beginning to end in order to show the contrast with the other...proving to all my flaming liberal friends that not all conservatives are dolts =-) Of course I would take out your name and all of the personal details that identify you. Let me know.

In the meantime, good luck in your search...as you can see from my profile, I don't live in your city anyway. I originally changed my settings for your city, as I was on the verge of moving there for a new job, but things have changed and I've taken a new job here instead. I'm sure you will find a great conservative girl with beautiful eyes someday soon.

Best, alita.

On 12/03/2005 06:23 pm PST, "AnotherConservativeGuy" wrote:
As I said at the begining of this exchange somewhere. My last girl friend was a very liberal american policy hateing, packistani. After talking to her I found we were closer in our ideas than we thought We just had different ideas on how to get there. Liberals think about conseritivesthe same as   we think of them. Most Republicans are just a little bit less talkitive about It. I hear liberal say discusting things about George Bush all the time in public. Why is that? I understand there is a lot of hate toward him and his policies.... But why do they have to voice their opinion in public all the time? Maybe people could focus less on politics and more on being good people.

I also have to admit, although it is no excuse, I was pretty drunk when I wrote that ass hole letter to you. I am verry sorry again. I am sure you are a great woman. I am sure it is my loss you are not moving here.

As far as meeting a nice woman with pretty eyes..... Who knows... I won't hold my breath......
—AnotherConservativeGuy

At the end of the day, I think this was a more interesting exchange than the other, because I gave this guy the opportunity to redeem himself. We're all human and, he's right, the inability to hear inflection in an email can make it an imperfect means of communication. While I still wouldn't date him, I'm glad not to hate him either. In the meantime, I should say I had a great time last night with a new guy I've been seeing. He's a flaming liberal who doesn't believe in God. Love that!

Why I Don't Date Guys Who Don't Get My Jokes...

WARNING: Do not read this if you are a smart attractive man inclined to adore me, as this post is rather snotty and may ruin my chances with you.

So, this is another installment in my eDating diary. Before I start, I would like to say that anyone reading my eDating stories might think it is rude for me to describe my personal interactions with another person, especially in order to mock them. Anyone who thinks this is absolutely right. It is both impolite and it is a basic betrayal of said suitor's confidence. I will offer no excuses for such disrespectful behavior; however, I would like to make it clear that I do not and would never betray the confidence of someone I still know. Furthermore, I primarily limit these "mock you" posts to men I no longer know because they have behaved badly in some way or another. I only say this because I don't want someone who doesn't know me to think that getting to know me will necessarily expose them to a public flogging here. It might, but not necessarily =-)

Seriously though, I've had a couple of guys write me cautious notes expressing an interest in me in which they "hope" they won't be ridiculed as another contemptible suitor if I don't reciprocate their interest. That's just not going to happen. I might be rude and I might be a bitch, but I'm not going to publicly slam anyone who makes a sincere overture. Now if I respond privately to that person that I'm not interested, and he fires back at me with something mean, confrontational or belligerent...well, then, you can pretty much be certain that I consider that person to be fair game. So, those are the rules I follow, in case you care.

Now with all that said, here goes a particularly harsh and judgmental account of a recent interaction I had with someone from match.com. Now when it comes to eDating, some of the guys are really great-looking, some are smart...but not so many of them are both :-(

The subject of this post was 6'1" and muscular, with what I call "teen beat" good looks. He called me the other night and the conversation was going fine until he tried to take the chitchat into banter. It went well at first, but then in a conversation about Christianity, in which he was saying some sort of funny things. Noticing that he wasn't uptight about religion, I quipped, "Well you know, Christianity is a social disease."

To my surprise, he responded flatly, "That's not funny...that's just more like a statement of fact." (Now it's hard to tell this story in writing, because inflection and tone aren't easily expressed in ASCII. One might construe from reading this that he understood my meaning and was reciprocating by wryly confirming the troupe as a "fact." Sadly, it was apparent that this was not the case. Having clearly missed the double entendre, he not only didn't think it was funny, but he didn't know why anyone would think it was. I should also mention that it was apparent by his tone that he hadn't been offended by my comment, which might account for his inability to get the joke.)

Okay, fine. I was ready to move on, but then he followed up with, "Come on...I need witty banter." (Oh no he DI-N'T!) So I replied, "Well, you see, 'social disease' is a euphemism for 'venereal disease'...so calling one of the oldest social institutions a 'social disease' is funny because of the double entendre...it's not that it wasn't funny, you just didn't get it." (BTW, I said this in a jovial and sweet way so that it didn't come off as bitchy and as condescending as it does in the retelling.)

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect anyone to get every one of my jokes. I certainly don't expect them to find them all funny. But this guy didn't even have the sense to be embarrassed that he'd just forced me to explain my joke! =-)

You see, if someone misses the irony or satire in something I've said and, when I point it out to them that I was "just joking," I expect them to be cool about it. An ideal response would be to make a joke about "not getting my jokes." ...I mean, I certainly don't get every quip someone throws at me, but I have the sense to say "d'oh!" when I realize it flew by me =-)

Anyway...so sad for me. He was SO CUTE! ...But alas, I never manage to be as superficial as I wish I could be =-(

Why I Don't Date Republicans...

Hi Everyone!

Once again, it's time for me to write about the absurdities of my eDating adventures. This time, I've changed my charming suitor's name, in case he finds this post. I would like to avoid his wrath. By the way, this post includes some things written by him, which I've quoted exactly...spelling errors and all. I will call him "ConservativeGuy."

So this is a guy I first met at one of those "speed dating" things, so I actually have met him in the real world. A few days before meeting him, he also sent me a note at match.com, expressing interest in me. He was okay-looking, so after meeting him, I replied to his match.com email and sent him my contact info, but after a couple of short emails back and forth, nothing really happened. Our last exchange was on August 30th. Then on September 17th, we were matched up on eHarmony.com. (If you're thinking right now that I'm on too many of these stupid eDating sites...you're right...but that's another story =-)

Anyway, following is some of the information from his profile at eHarmony:

Match Name:  ConservativeGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)
Location:  Encino, California, United States
Occupation:  Investment Management
Height:  5' 10''
Age: 41
Ethnicity:  White, non-Hispanic
Match Created:  September 17, 2005
Last Communication:  September 18, 2005

The things ConservativeGuy can't live without are:

• Close relationships - family & friends
• A need to be a productive member of society
• Great sense of humor
• Helping others through volunteer work
• Having goals and ambitions

The most important thing ConservativeGuy is looking for in a person is:
Honest and open with a great sense of humor and a zest for life. She should have her own opinions (even if they differ from my own) and should be knowledgable and willing to discuss current events and the world around her.

---

Well, he doesn't sound so bad, right? ...And I knew he wasn't ugly, so I was glad that almost immediately he sent me the following email from the eHarmony site:

From:  ConservativeGuy
To:  Alita
Subject:  Hi Again
Date:  17 September 2005 01:04 PM Pacific

In looking at your profile, I do believe we have communicated on another site.  If you want to chat just let me know....

—ConservativeGuy

---

So, I wrote him back...figured I'd give it one more shot:

From:  Alita
To:  ConservativeGuy
Subject:  Re: Hi Again
Date:  17 September 2005 08:09 PM Pacific

Hi again ConservativeGuy =-)

Yes, I'd love to chat. Feel free to write me or call me. My number is:  310-xxx-xxxx
My actual email address is: [email protected]

Best, alita.

---

Now before I go on, let me explain that eHarmony has everyone pick ten "Must Haves" and ten "Can't Stands" to share with their matches and I'm going to share mine here with you:

MY MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
      I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Autonomy...
      I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
Intellect...
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
      I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
      I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator...
      I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity...
      I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Strong Character...
      I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
Chemistry...
      I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

MY CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
      I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
      I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
      I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty...
      I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental...
      I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist...
      I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity...
      I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism...
      I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited...
      I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...
      While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

---

All of the choices are pretty basic, and his didn't vary from mine that much, but here are the ones he chose:

HIS MUST HAVES:

Intellect...
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
      I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Family...
      I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
Responsible...
      My partner must be financially responsible.
Emotionally Generous...
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Attractiveness...
      I must have a partner who is considered "very attractive" by most current standards.
Affectionate...
      I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Sexually Knowledgeable...
      I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely.
Strong Character...
      I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
Chemistry...
      I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

HIS CAN'T STANDS:

Lying...
      I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
      I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Racist...
      I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating...
      I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Undependable...
      I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Infidelity...
      I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Mean Spirited...
      I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...
      While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.
Flirts...
      I can't stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.
Victim Mentality...
      While everyone has times of self-pity, I can't stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.

---

Okay, so he didn't write me at my email address and he didn't call me, but he sent me the following reply to me at eHarmony:

From:  ConservativeGuy
To:  Alita
Subject:  Re: Hi Again
Date:  18 September 2005 07:55 AM Pacific

Small world!  So I see shared politics is a "must have." Can you elaborate?

---

So I wrote back to him and elaborated:

From:  Alita
To:  ConservativeGuy
Subject:  Politics
Date:  18 September 2005 09:54 AM Pacific

Hi ConservativeGuy. Yes, it is a small world...at least the LA dating scene is small =-)

This is a new "must have" for me. It's not that I'm intolerant of other people's beliefs...and I don't need my partner and me to agree on EVERYTHING...but at least we should be coming at the issues with common assumptions. I find that it's much more interesting to discuss issues with someone who has a similar foundation...otherwise, the conversation never really progresses to the more complex and stagnates at the base of the argument. It's one thing to disagree on the solution, but if you disagree on the very nature of the problem, or even what that problem is, that can be a very frustrating wall to smash your head against.

I hope that makes sense. I think I'm better at answering this question verbally, so feel free to ask me again sometime on the phone.

If you're really interested in where I'm coming from politically and how I interact with those with whom I disagree, you can check out the following link:
Are We Still In Iraq?

So you mention that you like to volunteer. What are the local causes that you support? What do you care about, believe in?

Best, alita.

---

Still not quite sure of me, he sent the following message in response:

From:  ConservativeGuy
To:  Alita
Subject:  Re: Politics
Date:  18 September 2005 10:40 AM Pacific

Hi,

Scanned your website and your political statements.  While I am extremely conservative politically and more liberal socially, I certainly don't have an issue if someone has a different viewpoint than my own.  However, it is important to me that they have an opinion one way or another and also that they can back it up.

—ConservativeGuy

---

Not sure what that meant, I mean, what the fuck?! So you wanna talk or not? And here's the thing...for some reason, I wasn't thinking "actually, I think you're a dick and I don't want to talk to you...please lose my number." Instead, I sent the following message in response:

From:  Alita
To:  ConservativeGuy
Subject:  Re: Politics
Date:  18 September 2005 03:29 PM Pacific

Dear ConservativeGuy:

Well, since you scanned my statements, you know that I *do* have opinions; and I hope you've concluded that I can at least argue their merits. So when you say that you're "extremely conservative politically," what do you mean by that? In general, I consider myself a "liberal," but my politics are not "liberal" down the line, as I take each issue as its own question, which you probably do as well.

I'm conservative when it comes to many economic issues, but I'm not sure what that means anymore because the current "conservative" administration doesn't seem fiscally conservative or responsible to me at all. In fact, I think they spend money like drunken sailors.

I admit that being "extremely conservative politically" has come to mean a few things to me that it might not mean to you, as being "more liberal socially" is incompatible with my understanding of extremely conservative political beliefs. The public conservative agenda has evolved dramatically in recent years in a way that I have found disturbing. Most of my issues with the current state of conservative politics are tied to the extent to which the Christian Right has become more powerful and influential in issues of public policy. For instance, I don't have an issue with someone who believes that dinosaurs and people co-existed and that the first woman was made from a man's rib, but I don't want my tax dollars to be spent on teaching that to children in our public science classrooms.

I've never considered myself a libertarian, although I know many of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I took this online survey called "World's Smallest Political Quiz." According to that, my answers say that the best way to describe my political views is libertarian. I scored 90% on personal issues and 70% on economic issues. (It's a funny little quiz; you should check it out at http://www.self-gov.org/quiz.html)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for me it's more about sharing fundamental values rather than ideology. Hope that all makes sense and isn't too much information. =-)

Best, alita.

---

Okay, now first of all, someone show me where in ANY of these emails I've identified as a "Democrat." Then explain to me which part of my responses were hostile and aggressive. If you can do that, then maybe I will understand why this guy felt justified to send me this response:

From:  ConservativeGuy
To:  Alita
Subject:  Hi Again
Date:  18 September 2005 05:09 PM Pacific

Hi,

I have been a Republican as long as I can remember because I suscribe to their fundamental belielf that putting the power and capital in the hands of people is much preferable to the government running affairs (which without exception are far more costly and less effective). Also, the recent election proved that Democrats are out of touch with the core values of the American public (religion, faith, etc which do matter to most Americans).  The fact of the matter is that the Democratic party has not been viable in the last 30 years with the exception of Clinton who lied to the American people, performed criminal acts (pardoning Rich), yet still had the christma to get away with it.  The Democrats do not stand for anything except for opposing those things that the Reblicans believe in (see comments of recent congressional hearings). And, if the best candidate they can come up with in 2004 is John Kerry (and Edwards who could not even win his home state) then they are in serious trouble. This is not a viable party in its current state and there is not a single candidate currently that could prevail in 2008 today.

—ConservativeGuy

---

While I wrote several responses to him in my head, after a few daze of not writing back to him, I got the following message about him from eHarmony:

Match Closed: One of the hardest things about any new relationship is deciding when or if you should continue forward in a relationship. ConservativeGuy has decided to permanently close communication with you at this point for the following reason or reasons:

• I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
• I think the difference in our values is too great.

---

Okay, where to start? First of all, no shit the difference in our values is too great. ...but what an idiotic way to respond to my considered explanation of my beliefs. He might as well have said, "yeah, well you're a poopie head." Whatever.

I hate it when Republicans talk about things that the last election "proved" about "most Americans." The truth is, "most Americans" did not vote for Bush, even if you don't take into account the fact that there were many "irregularities" reported (as detailed here in Wikipedia.) The number of votes that were officially counted for Bush was somewhere around 62,040,606. According to the census reports from July 2004, there were about 220,377,406 Americans over the age of 18 at the time. That means that only 28% of adult Americans voted for him. In what world is that MOST? At best, the election proved that MOST adult Americans don't vote...which is another thing that bothers me, but don't get me started.

As for the Bush administration "putting the power and capital in the hands of people," that may be true...if you mean the "People's Republic of China," who make an obscene amount of money from the interest on their stake in our government. As of this summer, that stake had grown to $242 billion and that's before the Katrina pots of gold have been factored in (which are going in part to pay for no-bid contracts that have gone to some of the same companies that have been getting rich from the war in Iraq.) According to an article in the Washington Post last week, "Foreign holdings of U.S. government debt exceeded $2.03 trillion in July, meaning that every man, woman and child in the United States owes foreign investors $6,846."

Well, in re-reading this before posting it, I realize that it sounds much more angry than I intended. The truth is that I found this exchange to be highly amusing because this guy so clearly lacked the ability or will to do what he said he wants others to do, i.e. "back up" his opinion. While it was fun to watch him become aggressive and obnoxious so quickly, this exchange has confirmed my suspicion that I just can't date someone with substantially divergent political beliefs.

And that my friends, is why I don't date Republicans. =-)

Suitor of the Month

Hello all!

Time for an update on the state of the eDates. I just had to share this sweet little exchange I had with a charming fellow from match.com. 

His basic information is as follows:

40-year-old man
North Hollywood, CA, US
Seeking: women 26-45 

It started off congenially enough with the following message:

From: keystoyour
To: noetical
Date received: August 11, 2005
Subject: six degrees of separation...

Have you ever heard that all human beings on earth are at least sixth cousins, it's a mathamatical thing. There was a movie a few years ago which linked all charactors who were randomly together.
"Six Degrees of Separation".
I have some really interesting reletives on the family tree.
How is your summer going? You just look like someone who could be a joy to be around.

Rob

Nice enough note. I just didn't feel it after reviewing his profile, so I clicked on the "no thanks" option available to me. To be honest with you, I don't really know what I checked off when I sent that (there are several choices, including "you live too far," "I'm not attracted to you," "I've just met someone," etc.) Whatever it was, it was something benign, as I have no desire to hurt the feelings of someone nice enough to express interest in me. That said, if I don't think we'll click, I figure there's no sense wasting his time or mine. So match.com sent him an email that said something like this:

noetical says:
Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!

Don't get discouraged!
With millions of singles on Match.com, you're bound to find a few that aren't right for you. Don't let that stop you; instead, search for and contact other members who are waiting to meet you!

Tip: To increase your chances of making a true connection with someone, click Do we match? when viewing that member's profile. You'll see how well the two of you match up by comparing your profiles. If you're convinced you'll make a connection regardless, explain why in an email!

Most guys just move on...some even reply and say "good luck!" This guy...not so much. Here's the next email he sent me:

From: keystoyour
To: noetical
Date received: August 28, 2005
Subject: What the fuck? How could you have enjoyed travel with such a weak mind.

Have you read John Irving or is dropping his name make you more worldly.
Why dont you just be real and come out with saying, "Sorry your looks don't appeal to me." That would be more understandable. The Mayflower obviously was full of Brittish citizens who were unwanted by their own countymen, not heroes... I helped you drop all that pretentious shit.

What the fuck? I still can't believe that these guys think it's important to make me feel like shit just because I don't want to date them. Fortunately, I now have a response to this sort of behavior that is easily customized. (For those of you who have already read my letter to my last disgruntled suitor, this one is mostly the same.) This was my reply:

From: noetical
To: keystoyour
Date received: August 29, 2005
Subject: RE: Weak Mind

Dear Rob:

I'm not sure why you felt the need to be mean to me in response to my "no thank you" note. I really can't remember what reason I gave for not wanting to communicate with you. I try to send SOMETHING to anyone who writes to me because I think it's rude and unkind to leave someone hanging, wondering if their note was read at all. My summer has been kind of crazy (my step-father just had open-heart surgery, my grandmother died last week and my sister got married three weeks ago.) This deluge of family events and resulting obligations has made it more difficult to write personalized notes to everyone I don't feel would be right for me, whatever the reason may be.

The thing is, not everyone is for everyone...that's why this is so hard, but the least we can be is kind to each other in the process. I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings for me to say I don't think we're "a match," or for doing it without writing another book. Admittedly, without access to tone and inflection, online "connection" often leads to somnolent dissatisfaction as each person struggles to decipher with accuracy the oblique code that passes for language in the e-dating game. ASCII is hardly known for its pellucid nature, and yet it is in this overcast terrain that we grope clumsily for that mythical creature "the love of our lives." It's hardly surprising that more often than not, the creatures who pass through our fingers here sometimes turn out to be inapt. The fact that I (or anyone else) have decided that you are not for me does not mean that I think you're not an interesting or attractive person (although admittedly, your response has made me think you are rather spiteful and bitter,) it simply means that I am pursuing connections with other people who better suit the unique person that I know myself to be.

Believe me, LOTS of men reject me...and many of them do it by ignoring my emails and don't even have the courtesy to say "no thank you." So take this as a lucky break that you don't have to waste your time on a woman who ultimately wouldn't be right for you and move on to someone who will. She'll be lovely and will appreciate you for everything that you are. Please be nice to her!

Best, A.

He never responded, but his profile has been "hidden" since he sent the last note. I also forwarded his email to the match.com abuse team with the following note:

Dear Abuse Team:

I wanted to notify you that this man sent me an abusive email in response to one of your “no thank you” notes. I think you should keep an eye on him, as he might very well be unstable.

Thank you.

Best, alita. (noetical)

So there you go. I hope you enjoyed your look into the fun and friendly life of a modern single woman. At least this exchange was more interesting than most that originate from that site!