Funny Quotes by Emo Philips.

I found some Emo Philips quotes today. He's one of my favorite comedians...probably because I'm a bit twisted. At any rate, I wanted to share some of his best witticisms:

"People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi."

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. So, I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today, and I found a wallet; and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: 'Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?' And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and; he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one, because they're the devil."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free, and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

Well I hope you found one or more of those funny. If so, check out his site:

Happy weekend everyone!

Best, alita.