Noet All: Photoshop & Love in the Modern Age.

About

Noetical Online

StatCounter

Blog powered by Typepad
Member since 07/2005

« Knowing When I Can Fly. | Main | Word of the Day »

Photoshop & Love in the Modern Age.

Hi Everyone!

I'm back again to write about some of the annoying and ridiculous moments in my eDating life. Once again, I've changed my charming suitor's name. As usual, this post includes some things written by him, which I've quoted exactly. I will call him "ParanoidGuy."

So, this is a guy, with whom I was matched on eHarmony.com and, who initiated contact with me. We started by going through the normal canned communication stages there, which only happens about 5% of the time. I close or am closed, before we even start communicating, in most cases. The process takes too long and is too much work to bother with anyone whose pictures or profile identify them as incompatible in some way. I actually like the fact that this weeds out most prospects, as it generally makes the process more efficient. Anyway, that said, the exchange I'm about to recount managed to slip through the filter. As usual, I'll provide some information about him from his profile, about me from mine for context, in addition to the full exchange, peppered by my comments along the way.

His Profile:

Match Name: ParanoidGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)
Location: Southern California, United States
Occupation: Advertising and Marketing
Height: 6' 2"
Age: 39
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Match Created: January 25, 2006
Last Communication: February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:

Movies

Friendship

Politics

The one thing ParanoidGuy is most passionate about:

Movies, cooking, conversation, friends, love and romance

The three things which ParanoidGuy is most thankful for:

Living at the beach

My friends

My career

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from ParanoidGuy's Personality Profile:

ParanoidGuy is generally very patient with people.

ParanoidGuy is good at helping other people reach their goals.

ParanoidGuy takes pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in ParanoidGuy's life has been:

My High School Drama Teacher - showed me I can be who and what I want.

ParanoidGuy's friends describe him as:

Hard Working

Sweet

Dependable

Romantic

Three of ParanoidGuy's best life-skills are:

Creating romance in a relationship

Being a good friend and companion

Achieving personal goals

The most important thing ParanoidGuy is looking for in a person is:

Authenticity and Passion

The first thing you'll probably notice about ParanoidGuy when you meet him:

Authentic and real

The one thing ParanoidGuy wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

Passionate and Romantic

ParanoidGuy typically spends his leisure time:

Movies, exercise, reading, I love the paper and coffee in bed on a Sunday morning. Walking on the beach and enjoying my life.

The things ParanoidGuy can't live without are:

Communication

Authenticity

Passion/Touch

Laughter

Good Conversation

The last book ParanoidGuy read and enjoyed:

I am an avid reader so they are a few. I loved the Clinton book because it was a good look at history. I also read Conspiracy of Fools about Enron which was great. Presented a real picture and how absurd business can be.

One thing that only ParanoidGuy's best friends know is:

I like to have fun in my life. Not just work. I am loyal and believe in magic (between people).

Yeah baby! (with an Austin Powers accent.) He sounds great, doesn't he? In his pictures, he seemed pretty cute, although they were a bit too small to see in much detail. Just to be fair, I'm going to post my eHarmony profile as well. I'll also have to include the pictures I have up there; once again, they are a topic of the conversation.

My Profile:

Match Name: Alita
Location: Southern California, United States
Occupation: Entertainment Content Production
Height: 5' 7"
Age: 39
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Match Created: January 25, 2006
Last Communication: February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:

Movies

Friendship

Politics

The one thing I am most passionate about:

I believe in the beauty & complexity of the universe & cherish my time here. I make documentaries for a living & love it, as it feeds my somewhat voracious appetite for learning about everything from science to history to the arts. I've always felt fortunate & would rather laugh at life's absurdities than wallow in "what-if"s or "woe-is-me"s. I don't believe in the phrase "If you loved me, you would..." I prefer to live in a drama-free zone. I always tell my loved ones honestly what I think, but they never have to wonder whose side I'm on.

The three things which I am most thankful for:

A loving family and wonderful friends.

People who get the joke even when I haven't said, "just kidding."

My ability to find the humor in even the darkest moments and to enjoy the absurdities of everyday life.

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from my Personality Profile:

I am optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.

I have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.

I take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in my life has been:

My future self:
She has read many more books and has traveled to many more exotic places than I have. She has the kind of relationship with her husband that I can only aspire to. She never ends sentences with prepositions. ...oh yeah, and she HAS a husband =-)

She is such an inspiration to me!

The four things my friends say about me are:

Creative

Articulate

Intelligent

Perceptive

Three of my BEST life-skills are:

Using humor to make friends laugh

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness

Understanding local, national, and world events

The most important thing I'm looking for in a person is:

He'll be curious & intelligent; want to share my life's passions & will share his with me. When something excites me, I'll think, "I can't wait to share this with him." He'll know how to make me laugh...I'll love that about him. He'll know why that film or book made me search the Net for anything related to the topic...He'll love that about me. We won't keep our opinions to ourselves, but even our disagreements will make our connection stronger. When we look at each other, we won't believe our luck at having found each other...making it hard to keep our hands off each other...and mostly, we won't ;-)

Other than my appearance, the first thing that people notice about me is:

My mind and its perpetual motion, or my "inner geek"...While I look like a girl and was an English major, I can talk tech with the best of them...and politics...and literature...and history...and music... =-) That surprises some people at first.

The ONE thing that people DON'T notice about me right away that I WISH they WOULD is:

That I was a tuatara in a previous life...if they did, perhaps they wouldn't make the hurtful and intolerable speciesist jokes that people sometimes thoughtlessly make about reptiles when we first meet.

I typically spend my leisure time:

WHAT I LOVE: Listening to music that makes my body move and/or my mood elevate; all-out, heart-pounding, lung-burning workouts that flood me with endorphins; reading books that make me forget where I am; watching movies that make me cry, laugh and/or think; spending time with people who make the world a better place; laughing out loud; talking to bright people; learning something new; finding money in an old pair of jeans; being madly in love with someone whose very essence is as intrinsically magnificent to me as mine is to him; savoring a root-beer float once every six & a half years (keeps 'em fresh!)

The things I can't live without are:

Family & friends.

Time and the energy to spend it well.

Meaning and the search for it.

Laughing.

Perception, thought and expression.

The last book I read and enjoyed was:

I just finished reading "the Great INFLUENZA" by John M. Barry...it mixes history with science and sociology. It is an informative and fascinating exploration of how the nature of mankind interacts with the forces of nature. I love learning about history, especially when it gives insight into the way we as a species think and behave...and how that better understanding resonates and helps us to know ourselves better today. This book meets that standard. I also loved Jitterbug Perfume and DaVinci Code (a book that apparently everyone on eHarmony has read.) I also read the New York Times every morning.

One thing that only my best friends know is:

How important they are to me...and that my middle name is Renée after René Descartes. When I was born, my father was getting his Ph.D. in philosophy, so my brother and I each got middle names from famous philosophers. I lucked out though...my brother's middle name is Erasmus. Lots of people know my first name, but you'll have to wait to find that out until "Open Communication."

Additional information I would like my matches to know about me is:

Genealogy is my only "hobby," which is fun because it's a way for me to study history with my own personal narrative. I got hooked when I discovered Jane Austen is my 13th cousin 6 times removed (whatever that means;-) & Princes William & Henry are my 8th cousins (sadly, I never get invited over =-) President Bush happens to be my tenth cousin once removed, but if you voted for him, we probably wouldn't make a good match...but I wish you luck in your search! =-) BTW, all of the pictures I've posted here of me were taken recently (June-Sept. 2005,) so they're current.
Oh and...tuataras taste just like chicken.

I know: I'm garrulous and a bit odd...but it's part of my charm =-) The tuatara thing is one of those filters I was talking about before...it's quite effective at weeding out guys who would require me to say "I'm kidding!" WAY too often.

My Pictures:

(All were taken in the summer and fall of 2005.)

So, there you have it: our profiles and my pictures. (I'd post his pictures too if I weren't protecting his identity.) Awww...if you could see him, you'd know that we make such a cute couple. And he's a liberal too!

Before moving on to our communication, let me explain the way it works on eHarmony. Once eHarmony "matches" you with someone, you are each given the profile of the other to review. If either finds the other less than desirable in any way, he or she may "close" the match, thus ending the ability of either to ever contact one another again. That means once someone "closes" you, there is no option to send a nasty note in response to the rejection. If neither person immediately closes the other, one person will initiate contact with some multiple-choice questions for their match to answer. ParanoidGuy did just this, shortly after reviewing my profile for the first time. After reviewing his profile, I was happy to respond and, optimistic that we might be an excellent match.

ParanoidGuy sent me these questions on January 25 2006, 09:09AM PT.
I answered these questions on January 28 2006, 06:57PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. How important is chemistry to you?

I need to feel that instant "click"

within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry

I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like

I don't believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship

I believe chemistry is essential for any relationship to succeed.

2. Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?

cooking

shopping

bowling

watching a video

3. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

a quiet candle-lit restaurant

rollerblading on the beach

cooking dinner together at home

getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

Conjuring truly romantic moments is possible anywhere, with the right person.

4. How trusting are you?

sometimes I'm too naïve

I trust people and am able to forgive them when wronged

I trust people until they prove me wrong, then it is hard to trust again

people are dishonest by nature, you need to be careful

I trust people until they prove me wrong; then they must earn my trust if they wish to regain it.

5. What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?

I like traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them.

I would accept traditional gender roles if my partner were really interested in them.

I'm not at all interested in traditional gender roles and want my mate and me to define our roles on our own.

I sent ParanoidGuy questions on January 28 2006, 07:11PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on January 29 2006, 10:01AM PT.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.

I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.

As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.

When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

2. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

a quiet candle-lit restaurant

rollerblading on the beach

cooking dinner together at home

getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

3. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.

With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.

I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.

It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

4. Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.

I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.

I do like a small amount of physical affection.

I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

5. Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?

I hate to debate about anything.

Occasionally I don't mind a friendly debate, but I don't really enjoy it.

As long as we don't get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues.

I find it stimulating to debate various "issues of the day" with my partner and love it.

He was getting better by the minute. I liked all of his answers. Even better, he hadn't disliked mine enough to close me! At this point, it was time to exchange "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands." As I've explained before, eHarmony has everyone pick ten "Must Haves" and ten "Can't Stands" to share with their matches. Here are the ones ParanoidGuy and I shared with each other:

I sent my Must Haves and Can't Stands to ParanoidGuy on January 29 2006, 10:23AM PT

MY MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
   I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
   I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
   I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
   I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator...
   I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
   I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity...
   I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
   I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Conflict Resolver...
   I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
Chemistry...
   I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

MY CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
   I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
   I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
   I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty...
   I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental...
   I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist...
   I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity...
   I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism...
   I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited...
   I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...
   While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

All of the choices are pretty basic. His didn't vary from mine that much. Here are the ones he chose:

ParanoidGuy sent his Must Haves and Can't Stands on January 29 2006, 01:38PM PT.

HIS MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
   I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
   I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Emotionally Healthy...
   I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Personal Habits...
   I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
Passionate...
   I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Self-Confident...
   I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Communicator...
   I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
   I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Unassuming...
   I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
Affectionate...
   I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

HIS CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
   I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
   I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
   I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Punctuality...
   I can't stand someone who is always late.
Poor Hygiene...
   I can't stand someone who is not clean.
Racist...
I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating...
   I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Depressed...
   I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity...
   I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Denial...
   I can't stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

Okay, so he has some issues about personal hygiene. Maybe he had a stinky girlfriend once. That's okay...I smell pretty good (or so I've been told.) So, moving on, we had one more stage to pass through: the Essay Questions.

ParanoidGuy sent me questions on January 29 2006, 01:39PM PT.
I sent my answers on January 29 2006, 04:25PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
In my 20s I had a long list of things I thought were important. That list has become quite short...not because I am willing to "settle," but because I've come to know that very few things are really deal breakers...but the ones that are...well, they break the deal every time. The list is this: he must be curious and intelligent; willing and able to strive for an intimate partnership with me (emotionally, intellectually, physically, practically); have a "good heart;" and value the person I am and am becoming...as I will value him. Beyond that, he must be someone with whom I feel safe to be my whole, magnificently flawed self. He needn't be without flaws, fears, doubts or weakness himself, but he must be willing to risk the discomfort of that journey...wherever it may lead. That and we should be hot for each other =-)

2. What are your political beliefs?
I suppose the best label for my beliefs would be "progressive democrat." Most of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I disagree with pretty much all the policies of the current administration. I also think the religious right has designs on my government, and I believe church and state should remain separate. In seventh grade, I got transferred out of my science class because I questioned my teacher when he prefaced his lesson about evolution by saying he had to teach this even though "we all know that God created all." If you want to know more, follow this link to something I wrote called, "Why I Don't Date Republicans."

3. Do you have any pets? Which types of animals do you love to be around?
I live with my dog, Darcy, named after Fitzwilliam Darcy, the hero in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I know, I'm a geek =-). He's a 16-year-old Shih Tzu and although he's a little dog, he's not at all yappy. He is, however, quite old now, and probably won't be with me for much longer. Happily, he still enjoys his time with me and loves to eat. Until that changes, I cherish the time I still have with him.

I sent my questions on January 29 2006, 04:32PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on 30 January 2006 09:00 AM Pacific Time.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house? Describe the perfect partner for you.:
I am looking for a partner in all areas. Some one to cook with, play with, talk with, rolling around in bed with. I am happy to be a valuable partner in all areas, but do not want to be a caretaker.

2. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.:
There are a few, movies, TIVO, reading, conversation.

3. What are your political beliefs?:
Lean liberal

Okay, so he's not a chatterbox. That's okay. At least he's liberal. Now it was time to write the first open communication. I'm never sure what to say the first time we can say anything we want, so I sent him something simple.

From: Alita
To: ParanoidGuy
Subject: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date: January 31, 2006 08:13PM Pacific

Welcome to Open Communications.

It's nice to virtually meet you. So have you been on eHarmony long? Is there anything you still want to know about me, or have I answered all your questions? =-)

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, alita.

This was his response:

From: ParanoidGuy
To: Alita
Subject: Re: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date: February 1, 2006 09:32AM Pacific

Yes, we have graduated. Nice to virtually as well.

I do have one question for you, and forgive me for being blunt, but your pics look a little like they were photoshopped. I have met a few people who do not look like their pictures.

ParanoidGuy

Not sure what to do with that, but okay...I've met some guys who didn't look like their photos either, but that's because the pictures turned out to be old and; they were taken at a time when the guy had more hair and less fat...so at least I can relate to the notion that people aren't always the same in person as they have portrayed themselves to be online. The problem is, with few exceptions, the only way to know, is to actually meet someone in person. In the instances where someone's photo is obviously outdated (like they're sporting some outfit inspired by Miami Vice, or are posing in front of the Twin Towers,) I generally just move on and don't bother to interact in the first place...but without compelling evidence of fraud, I assume there is none.

Now here's the kicker. He sent that message to me on February 1st. I didn't manage to read it until the next day, by which time he had CLOSED me. What the fuck?! Okay, you contacted me and dragged me through all that eHarmony shit...just so you could tell me you think I touched up my photos?! (Which by the way look the same now as they did when you first contacted me.) And basically, you're going to call me a LIAR...and then close me so I can't even respond? What a DICK!

Here's the thing, when someone disagrees with me about politics, that's one thing. I have my own point of view and can argue my case well. I enjoy debating issues and; I invariably learn something new when I do. But this guy...this stranger...is actually attacking ME. He's not disagreeing with what I think; he's questioning who I claim to be. I have to admit, that cuts much closer to the quick. To be honest, the thing that bothered me the most about the whole thing was the unfairness of it all. There is something profoundly unsettling about being denied the opportunity to face your accuser. But what would I have said really? It was such a weird charge, after all. "So you think I might not look like my pictures in person. And you contacted me in the first place to tell me that you're not going to meet me...in case I'm not the me I claim to be? Umm... "

Really, after that, I had no desire to meet him either...so what else can one say at that point? Perhaps something like, "Let's meet in person so that you can see that I look like my pictures. ...Oh, and uh...besides, I really want to call you an asshole to your face" No. Nonetheless, I was annoyed that he had denied me the option of saying anything in my own defense...even though I may very well have decided that "defending" myself was pointless and unnecessary. Not having the choice pissed me off!

Fast forward several daze. I was looking through my match.com profile. Guess who had recently viewed me there? Yes, Mr. ParanoidGuy! I couldn't help myself, I wrote him the following note:

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 11:49 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

I'm so glad you wandered by my profile here, providing me with the opportunity to respond to your accusation on eHarmony that I "Photoshopped" my pictures. I must say that it was rather ungentlemanly of you to brusquely close me after making such a charge, thus denying me the opportunity to explain myself (especially after we had gone to the trouble of going through all those stupid eHarmony communication stages.) Now that I have you here, I will do just that.

Firstly, I want to say that I consider my excellent Photoshop skills to be an important accomplishment, of which I am quite proud. I, perhaps mistakenly, thought that men admire creativity and talent in a woman. Secondly, I challenge your conclusion that, since I altered my own pictures, I would naturally be unattractive in person. I made exactly two changes in my appearance, which are really of no consequence. I removed a large hairy mole (which I regularly pluck, of course) from the tip of my nose and; I painstakingly camouflaged my receding hairline. Admittedly, these two physical flaws may incline men to avoid me when they see me in un-doctored snapshots on eDating sites. Nonetheless, I assure you that in person I am quite attractive, despite these minor imperfections. Besides, in the words of Havelock Ellis, “The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”

If we *had* met in person, and you had *really* disliked my appearance; I assure you, there would have been an easy fix; makeup does wonders. As for my thinning hair, I have a nice hairpiece that is barely noticeable. All I can say is that it is your loss.

While I agree that finding one's partner attractive is not negotiable, the reality is that attractiveness is a subjective and complicated phenomenon. I certainly hope you don't rely entirely on photos to surmise such a thing. Whether or not Photoshop is involved, chemistry is something that can hardly be judged by a two-dimensional image. Even then, finding true love requires more than pleasing the eyes, as all beauty fades.

With that, I leave you with some wisdom in the form of poetry. Two of my favorite sonnets by Shakespeare address both the complexity of attraction and the need for more in love. I hope they provide you with some perspective and; I wish you luck in your search!

Best, alita

CXXX.
MY mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

--William Shakespeare

CXVI.
LET me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

--William Shakespeare

I was surprised when he actually responded. This is what he said:

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 1:46 PM Pacific

Appreciate the note and thought it took. But the bottom line truth is, a lie is a lie. Lack of integrity is any way is not actable to me. I do not judge people by their looks, but by their integrity.

Hope you find what you seek.

Okay, where to start? First of all...OH MY GOD! Why am I letting this guy piss me off so much? And way to miss the joke. ...what an idiotic way to respond to my confession that I am actually BALDING and have a hairy mole on the tip of my nose. And what, his response is to suggest that he doesn't mind the fact that I'm losing my hair? ...no, he's just turned off by the fact that I LIED about it...which clearly demonstrates my lack of integrity. LOL.

At this point, I clearly needed to recognize that this was a pointless confrontation. The only sane thing to do would be to move on and forget about it. That is exactly what I intend to do now...but before I could do that, I had to send him one final note. Here it is:

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 2:21 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

Thanks for writing back...I must admit I didn’t think you would. By the way, I think you missed the point of my email. The only ways in which I “Photoshopped” my pictures, (with the exception of the shot of me on match.com labeled “sepia me,” which is quite obviously altered for creative effect, and not one of the pix up at eHarmony) was to scale them down, so they would properly upload to the site. I’m not sure what you think I did to them, but I assure you, they are quite representative, as well as recent. There would be no point in wasting my time, or that of my suitors, by posting anything that weren’t. Contrary to my ironic response to your paranoid accusation, I don’t have any moles (hairy or otherwise) on my nose, and my hair is as thick as that of a Breck Girl. Lying is not my style; I find it repugnant and unacceptable, just as you do. Lacking integrity has never been something of which I’ve been accused, nor has it been something I accept in others. On that count we are in accordance. I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke, but perhaps you would have better luck with a woman lacking humor. I generally try to be more gracious when responding to insults, but my humor has been worn thin by this exchange. On the bright side, we can be confident that no matter what either of us looks like in person, and no matter how closely we resemble our pictures, we are certainly NOT a match!

I hope you find what you seek as well.

Best, alita.

Well, in re-reading this before posting it, I realize that it sounds much more angry and hurt than I actually am. While some parts of this exchange *did* actually hurt my feelings a bit, I found writing about it to be somewhat amusing. I'm not really sure why some people decide it is acceptable to make others feel like shit, but that's the risk I take when I expose myself to the scrutiny of strangers.

Even with exchanges like this, I hold out the hope that there is something to the theory that there is a soulmate for everyone. I just have to say though, if there is, mine's LATE! ...or am I? Shit, who has the schedule?!

February 19, 2006 in About Me, Diary of a Mad eDater, Humor, Technology | Permalink

Comments

Hi Everyone!

His Profile:

Match Name: ParanoidGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)
Location: Southern California, United States
Occupation: Advertising and Marketing
Height: 6' 2"
Age: 39
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Match Created: January 25, 2006
Last Communication: February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:

Movies

Friendship

Politics

The one thing ParanoidGuy is most passionate about:

Movies, cooking, conversation, friends, love and romance

The three things which ParanoidGuy is most thankful for:

Living at the beach

My friends

My career

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from ParanoidGuy's Personality Profile:

ParanoidGuy is generally very patient with people.

ParanoidGuy is good at helping other people reach their goals.

ParanoidGuy takes pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in ParanoidGuy's life has been:

My High School Drama Teacher - showed me I can be who and what I want.

ParanoidGuy's friends describe him as:

Hard Working

Sweet

Dependable

Romantic

Three of ParanoidGuy's best life-skills are:

Creating romance in a relationship

Being a good friend and companion

Achieving personal goals

The most important thing ParanoidGuy is looking for in a person is:

Authenticity and Passion

The first thing you'll probably notice about ParanoidGuy when you meet him:

Authentic and real

The one thing ParanoidGuy wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

Passionate and Romantic

ParanoidGuy typically spends his leisure time:

Movies, exercise, reading, I love the paper and coffee in bed on a Sunday morning. Walking on the beach and enjoying my life.

The things ParanoidGuy can't live without are:

Communication

Authenticity

Passion/Touch

Laughter

Good Conversation

The last book ParanoidGuy read and enjoyed:

I am an avid reader so they are a few. I loved the Clinton book because it was a good look at history. I also read Conspiracy of Fools about Enron which was great. Presented a real picture and how absurd business can be.

One thing that only ParanoidGuy's best friends know is:

I like to have fun in my life. Not just work. I am loyal and believe in magic (between people).

My Profile:

Match Name: Alita
Location: Southern California, United States
Occupation: Entertainment Content Production
Height: 5' 7"
Age: 39
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Match Created: January 25, 2006
Last Communication: February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:

Movies

Friendship

Politics

The one thing I am most passionate about:

I believe in the beauty & complexity of the universe & cherish my time here. I make documentaries for a living & love it, as it feeds my somewhat voracious appetite for learning about everything from science to history to the arts. I've always felt fortunate & would rather laugh at life's absurdities than wallow in "what-if"s or "woe-is-me"s. I don't believe in the phrase "If you loved me, you would..." I prefer to live in a drama-free zone. I always tell my loved ones honestly what I think, but they never have to wonder whose side I'm on.

The three things which I am most thankful for:

A loving family and wonderful friends.

People who get the joke even when I haven't said, "just kidding."

My ability to find the humor in even the darkest moments and to enjoy the absurdities of everyday life.

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from my Personality Profile:

I am optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.

I have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.

I take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in my life has been:

My future self:
She has read many more books and has traveled to many more exotic places than I have. She has the kind of relationship with her husband that I can only aspire to. She never ends sentences with prepositions. ...oh yeah, and she HAS a husband =-)

She is such an inspiration to me!

The four things my friends say about me are:

Creative

Articulate

Intelligent

Perceptive

Three of my BEST life-skills are:

Using humor to make friends laugh

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness

Understanding local, national, and world events

The most important thing I'm looking for in a person is:

He'll be curious & intelligent; want to share my life's passions & will share his with me. When something excites me, I'll think, "I can't wait to share this with him." He'll know how to make me laugh...I'll love that about him. He'll know why that film or book made me search the Net for anything related to the topic...He'll love that about me. We won't keep our opinions to ourselves, but even our disagreements will make our connection stronger. When we look at each other, we won't believe our luck at having found each other...making it hard to keep our hands off each other...and mostly, we won't ;-)

Other than my appearance, the first thing that people notice about me is:

My mind and its perpetual motion, or my "inner geek"...While I look like a girl and was an English major, I can talk tech with the best of them...and politics...and literature...and history...and music... =-) That surprises some people at first.

The ONE thing that people DON'T notice about me right away that I WISH they WOULD is:

That I was a tuatara in a previous life...if they did, perhaps they wouldn't make the hurtful and intolerable speciesist jokes that people sometimes thoughtlessly make about reptiles when we first meet.

I typically spend my leisure time:

WHAT I LOVE: Listening to music that makes my body move and/or my mood elevate; all-out, heart-pounding, lung-burning workouts that flood me with endorphins; reading books that make me forget where I am; watching movies that make me cry, laugh and/or think; spending time with people who make the world a better place; laughing out loud; talking to bright people; learning something new; finding money in an old pair of jeans; being madly in love with someone whose very essence is as intrinsically magnificent to me as mine is to him; savoring a root-beer float once every six & a half years (keeps 'em fresh!)

The things I can't live without are:

Family & friends.

Time and the energy to spend it well.

Meaning and the search for it.

Laughing.

Perception, thought and expression.

The last book I read and enjoyed was:

I just finished reading "the Great INFLUENZA" by John M. Barry...it mixes history with science and sociology. It is an informative and fascinating exploration of how the nature of mankind interacts with the forces of nature. I love learning about history, especially when it gives insight into the way we as a species think and behave...and how that better understanding resonates and helps us to know ourselves better today. This book meets that standard. I also loved Jitterbug Perfume and DaVinci Code (a book that apparently everyone on eHarmony has read.) I also read the New York Times every morning.

One thing that only my best friends know is:

How important they are to me...and that my middle name is Renée after René Descartes. When I was born, my father was getting his Ph.D. in philosophy, so my brother and I each got middle names from famous philosophers. I lucked out though...my brother's middle name is Erasmus. Lots of people know my first name, but you'll have to wait to find that out until "Open Communication."

Additional information I would like my matches to know about me is:

Genealogy is my only "hobby," which is fun because it's a way for me to study history with my own personal narrative. I got hooked when I discovered Jane Austen is my 13th cousin 6 times removed (whatever that means;-) & Princes William & Henry are my 8th cousins (sadly, I never get invited over =-) President Bush happens to be my tenth cousin once removed, but if you voted for him, we probably wouldn't make a good match...but I wish you luck in your search! =-) BTW, all of the pictures I've posted here of me were taken recently (June-Sept. 2005,) so they're current.
Oh and...tuataras taste just like chicken.

My Pictures:

(All were taken in the summer and fall of 2005.)

ParanoidGuy sent me these questions on January 25 2006, 09:09AM PT.
I answered these questions on January 28 2006, 06:57PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. How important is chemistry to you?

I need to feel that instant "click"

within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry

I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like

I don't believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship

I believe chemistry is essential for any relationship to succeed.

2. Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?

cooking

shopping

bowling

watching a video

3. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

a quiet candle-lit restaurant

rollerblading on the beach

cooking dinner together at home

getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

Conjuring truly romantic moments is possible anywhere, with the right person.

4. How trusting are you?

sometimes I'm too naïve

I trust people and am able to forgive them when wronged

I trust people until they prove me wrong, then it is hard to trust again

people are dishonest by nature, you need to be careful

I trust people until they prove me wrong; then they must earn my trust if they wish to regain it.

5. What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?

I like traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them.

I would accept traditional gender roles if my partner were really interested in them.

I'm not at all interested in traditional gender roles and want my mate and me to define our roles on our own.

I sent ParanoidGuy questions on January 28 2006, 07:11PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on January 29 2006, 10:01AM PT.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.

I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.

As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.

When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

2. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

a quiet candle-lit restaurant

rollerblading on the beach

cooking dinner together at home

getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

3. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.

With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.

I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.

It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

4. Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.

I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.

I do like a small amount of physical affection.

I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

5. Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?

I hate to debate about anything.

Occasionally I don't mind a friendly debate, but I don't really enjoy it.

As long as we don't get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues.

I find it stimulating to debate various "issues of the day" with my partner and love it.

I sent my Must Haves and Can't Stands to ParanoidGuy on January 29 2006, 10:23AM PT

MY MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
   I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
   I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
   I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
   I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator...
   I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
   I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity...
   I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
   I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Conflict Resolver...
   I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
Chemistry...
   I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

MY CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
   I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
   I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
   I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty...
   I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental...
   I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist...
   I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity...
   I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism...
   I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited...
   I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance...
   While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

All of the choices are pretty basic. His didn't vary from mine that much. Here are the ones he chose:

ParanoidGuy sent his Must Haves and Can't Stands on January 29 2006, 01:38PM PT.

HIS MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics...
   I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
   I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Emotionally Healthy...
   I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Personal Habits...
   I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
Passionate...
   I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Self-Confident...
   I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Communicator...
   I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous...
   I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Unassuming...
   I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
Affectionate...
   I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

HIS CAN'T STANDS:

Anger...
   I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying...
   I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude...
   I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Punctuality...
   I can't stand someone who is always late.
Poor Hygiene...
   I can't stand someone who is not clean.
Racist...
I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating...
   I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Depressed...
   I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity...
   I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Denial...
   I can't stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

ParanoidGuy sent me questions on January 29 2006, 01:39PM PT.
I sent my answers on January 29 2006, 04:25PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
In my 20s I had a long list of things I thought were important. That list has become quite short...not because I am willing to "settle," but because I've come to know that very few things are really deal breakers...but the ones that are...well, they break the deal every time. The list is this: he must be curious and intelligent; willing and able to strive for an intimate partnership with me (emotionally, intellectually, physically, practically); have a "good heart;" and value the person I am and am becoming...as I will value him. Beyond that, he must be someone with whom I feel safe to be my whole, magnificently flawed self. He needn't be without flaws, fears, doubts or weakness himself, but he must be willing to risk the discomfort of that journey...wherever it may lead. That and we should be hot for each other =-)

2. What are your political beliefs?
I suppose the best label for my beliefs would be "progressive democrat." Most of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I disagree with pretty much all the policies of the current administration. I also think the religious right has designs on my government, and I believe church and state should remain separate. In seventh grade, I got transferred out of my science class because I questioned my teacher when he prefaced his lesson about evolution by saying he had to teach this even though "we all know that God created all." If you want to know more, follow this link to something I wrote called, "Why I Don't Date Republicans."

3. Do you have any pets? Which types of animals do you love to be around?
I live with my dog, Darcy, named after Fitzwilliam Darcy, the hero in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I know, I'm a geek =-). He's a 16-year-old Shih Tzu and although he's a little dog, he's not at all yappy. He is, however, quite old now, and probably won't be with me for much longer. Happily, he still enjoys his time with me and loves to eat. Until that changes, I cherish the time I still have with him.

I sent my questions on January 29 2006, 04:32PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on 30 January 2006 09:00 AM Pacific Time.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house? Describe the perfect partner for you.:
I am looking for a partner in all areas. Some one to cook with, play with, talk with, rolling around in bed with. I am happy to be a valuable partner in all areas, but do not want to be a caretaker.

2. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.:
There are a few, movies, TIVO, reading, conversation.

3. What are your political beliefs?:
Lean liberal

From: Alita
To: ParanoidGuy
Subject: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date: January 31, 2006 08:13PM Pacific

Welcome to Open Communications.

It's nice to virtually meet you. So have you been on eHarmony long? Is there anything you still want to know about me, or have I answered all your questions? =-)

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, alita.

This was his response:

From: ParanoidGuy
To: Alita
Subject: Re: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date: February 1, 2006 09:32AM Pacific

Yes, we have graduated. Nice to virtually as well.

I do have one question for you, and forgive me for being blunt, but your pics look a little like they were photoshopped. I have met a few people who do not look like their pictures.

ParanoidGuy

Fast forward several daze. I was looking through my match.com profile. Guess who had recently viewed me there? Yes, Mr. ParanoidGuy! I couldn't help myself, I wrote him the following note:

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 11:49 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

I'm so glad you wandered by my profile here, providing me with the opportunity to respond to your accusation on eHarmony that I "Photoshopped" my pictures. I must say that it was rather ungentlemanly of you to brusquely close me after making such a charge, thus denying me the opportunity to explain myself (especially after we had gone to the trouble of going through all those stupid eHarmony communication stages.) Now that I have you here, I will do just that.

Firstly, I want to say that I consider my excellent Photoshop skills to be an important accomplishment, of which I am quite proud. I, perhaps mistakenly, thought that men admire creativity and talent in a woman. Secondly, I challenge your conclusion that, since I altered my own pictures, I would naturally be unattractive in person. I made exactly two changes in my appearance, which are really of no consequence. I removed a large hairy mole (which I regularly pluck, of course) from the tip of my nose and; I painstakingly camouflaged my receding hairline. Admittedly, these two physical flaws may incline men to avoid me when they see me in un-doctored snapshots on eDating sites. Nonetheless, I assure you that in person I am quite attractive, despite these minor imperfections. Besides, in the words of Havelock Ellis, “The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”

If we *had* met in person, and you had *really* disliked my appearance; I assure you, there would have been an easy fix; makeup does wonders. As for my thinning hair, I have a nice hairpiece that is barely noticeable. All I can say is that it is your loss.

While I agree that finding one's partner attractive is not negotiable, the reality is that attractiveness is a subjective and complicated phenomenon. I certainly hope you don't rely entirely on photos to surmise such a thing. Whether or not Photoshop is involved, chemistry is something that can hardly be judged by a two-dimensional image. Even then, finding true love requires more than pleasing the eyes, as all beauty fades.

With that, I leave you with some wisdom in the form of poetry. Two of my favorite sonnets by Shakespeare address both the complexity of attraction and the need for more in love. I hope they provide you with some perspective and; I wish you luck in your search!

Best, alita

CXXX.
MY mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

--William Shakespeare

CXVI.
LET me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

--William Shakespeare

I was surprised when he actually responded. This is what he said:

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 1:46 PM Pacific

Appreciate the note and thought it took. But the bottom line truth is, a lie is a lie. Lack of integrity is any way is not actable to me. I do not judge people by their looks, but by their integrity.

Hope you find what you seek.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.
Date: February 19, 2006 2:21 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

Thanks for writing back...I must admit I didn’t think you would. By the way, I think you missed the point of my email. The only ways in which I “Photoshopped” my pictures, (with the exception of the shot of me on match.com labeled “sepia me,” which is quite obviously altered for creative effect, and not one of the pix up at eHarmony) was to scale them down, so they would properly upload to the site. I’m not sure what you think I did to them, but I assure you, they are quite representative, as well as recent. There would be no point in wasting my time, or that of my suitors, by posting anything that weren’t. Contrary to my ironic response to your paranoid accusation, I don’t have any moles (hairy or otherwise) on my nose, and my hair is as thick as that of a Breck Girl. Lying is not my style; I find it repugnant and unacceptable, just as you do. Lacking integrity has never been something of which I’ve been accused, nor has it been something I accept in others. On that count we are in accordance. I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke, but perhaps you would have better luck with a woman lacking humor. I generally try to be more gracious when responding to insults, but my humor has been worn thin by this exchange. On the bright side, we can be confident that no matter what either of us looks like in person, and no matter how closely we resemble our pictures, we are certainly NOT a match!

I hope you find what you seek as well.

Best, alita.